


What Could Have Been

by DoneWithIt



Series: CommanderMechanic [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alpha Lexa (The 100), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, CommanderMechanic, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Injured Lexa (The 100), Lexa Has a Penis (The 100), Lexaven, Luna (Mentioned) - Freeform, Omega Raven Reyes, Protective Raven Reyes, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23916124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoneWithIt/pseuds/DoneWithIt
Summary: A couple of One-Shots taken from the deleted scenes of my work To Build a Home.These are scenes from my first draft that didn't make the cut. They no longer make sense with the changes I made to the story. Because of that, what happens in these One-Shots should not be taken as something that happens or that happened in To Build a Home. This is just some extra content that was deleted, and that I decided to post to give you guys something to read between updates.If you haven't read To Build a Home, that's okay, I don't think you need to have read it to read the One-Shots. At the beginning of each one I will give a bit of context so you know what's going on.Again, none of this actually happened in To Build a Home.Hope you like it and thank you for reading!!
Relationships: Lexa/Raven Reyes
Series: CommanderMechanic [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1723846
Comments: 27
Kudos: 165





	1. In Which Lexa had Another Love

**Author's Note:**

> The response with To Build a Home has been amazing, lots of Kudos, lots of Comments and you guys have really been giving me a lot of happiness with your response to my fics. I know things are rough right now and I only hope this helps keep you entertained for a little while.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments!!
> 
> Ps: if there's any scene from here that you would like to see in To Build a Home, let me know, maybe I could try to do something similar.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!

For context: this scene would have occurred some time before Clarke made Lexa think she had somehow forced Raven to sleep with her. That’s why we see a Lexa that is more confident and that doesn’t hesitate as much when it comes to having sex with Raven. Here, they were still pretty early in their relationship, so there is little to no emotional connection while they are having sex, that’s why the scenes seem so crude. Here they also talk about Clarke, and we see another take in how they became friends.

Remember these scenes were taken out for a reason, so nothing that happens in them can be taken as something that fits in To Build a Home.

…………………...

Seasons changed before they saw each other again, winter came, and with it came the Commander bringing supplies so the Skaikru would make it through the winter.

That night, right after dinner, Raven managed to sneak the Commander in her room, they undressed each other and with the usual roughness and Lexa brought Raven to climax time and time again, not stopping until morning came, they both needed at least a few hours of sleep.

“You smelled like another omega,” Raven said as she pushed herself off Lexa’s softening cock and fell sideways on the mattress next to her.

“Are you jealous?” Lexa asked, pushing herself on her side as well so she was face to face with Raven, letting her hand wander up and down Raven’s side in a completely innocent gesture.

“No,” Raven smirked, “curious, I want to know who else gets to enjoy all of this,” Raven said, giving Lexa’s cock a quick squeeze, the Commander hissed, still sensitive, and the Mechanic laughed. “It is rather impressive; I think you have ruined my sex life forever.”

The Commander frowned and looked up at Raven with concern.

“You can tell me what I did wrong so I can please you better.”

“God no, I didn’t mean it like that, what I meant to say is that no one I have ever been with compares to you,” Raven said, thoughtful, “ you just do things differently, you are giving, I have noticed you don’t let yourself cum until I do.”

“That is good for both of us, Raven,” Lexa said, leaning in to place open-mouthed kisses all over her neck, moving just a little higher to whisper in her ear. “I enjoy watching you come.”

Raven groaned, her center tingling.

“Stop, I can’t take one more, it would kill me,” Raven said and Lexa moved away from her, moving her hands back to innocent places. Raven sighed in content, letting her body rest against the alpha’s.

“You didn’t answer my question, that scent around you, who does it belong to?” Raven asked again, her fingers tracing the deep lines that framed Lexa’s hard abs, the omega loved them and she would touch them every time she could.

“It belongs to Luna, the leader of the Boat People, you met her last time you went to Polis. She got close to me and embraced me right before I left Polis, that’s why you sensed her scent,” Lexa said, her voice calm and steady, her voice far away.

“She embraced you,” Raven repeated, knowing that the Commander had no one and that it had been years since Costia, since the last time someone gave her love. “She means something to you.”

Lexa looked down at Raven and nodded.

“Yes, we have known each other for a long time, she is like me,” Lexa said and Raven frowned in confusion, not really knowing what Lexa meant.

“How so?”

“She bleeds black, like me, we grew up together at the Polis Tower, both in training to become Commander,” Lexa said and Raven’s frown deepened, she knew how the Conclave worked and that only one Nightblood could survive.

“How is she alive?”

“She ran away after she was forced to murder her brother, after that she left even if she knew she would win,” Lexa said, looking into Raven’s eyes, her own looking sad and lost in memories.

“She would have beaten you?” Raven said and Lexa nodded with a small smile.

“I have always been unable to hurt her. In the beginning, I refused to fight her altogether and Titus would punish me for it. He was afraid some of us would do something like that during the Conclave so he would tie me to a pole in the middle of the training grounds and strike my back with a whip until I accepted to fight Luna. I never could, and so the lashing would go for hours and hours. He wouldn’t let anyone intervene, and he made all the other Nightbloods, my brothers and sisters, watch. When he was done I was always unconscious, but at night I would always wake up to her, to Luna, crying and kneeling by my bed, caring for my wounds, begging me to just fight her, but I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t a choice, not really, I just couldn’t. One day, Titus figured that trying to hurt me into fighting Luna wouldn’t work, it hadn’t before and it wouldn’t change, so he had her tied to the pole instead, said that either I fought her or she would take my punishment. He only got to strike her once, not even breaking the skin. I snapped, I threw myself at him, I hit him as hard as I could, I was young, small and my judgment had been clouded with anger.” Lexa shook her head, closing her eyes for a second, bringing Raven’s hand up and letting her hand touch the side of her head, right above her left ear. Raven understood what she wanted and started touching carefully, quickly feeling the thick scar located there.

“He was outraged, I had never seen him more furious, he grabbed my arm, he threw me away from him and my body fell against some rocks, my sight went blurry and my body went numb, my head was bleeding and I couldn’t really see. I was only able to see his figure as he came at me and started hitting me, he was screaming something, but I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t breathe. I woke up months later, most of my wounds had already healed, and the Commander was just waiting for my death. Luna was by my side when I woke up, she was thin, frighteningly so, and there were deep bags under her eyes, her hands shook as she held my face in her hands, begging me to just fight her, to not make her go through that kind of pain again. She begged me and she cried and I couldn’t stand being the reason for her pain so I just decided to fight her and let her win, I never tried to beat her, never tried to hurt her and she knew I would do the same during the Conclave and because of that she would become Heda.”

“Why is Titus still alive?” Raven asked, her voice raw and tense, her eyes red-rimmed and raw. Lexa looked down at her, her eyes blinking away the memories.

“He is the Flamekeeper, his role is vital for our society, I don’t have the authority to kill him and I wasn’t the Commander when that happened,” Lexa said, her hand reaching out to cup Raven’s jaw, brushing it gently with her fingers. “I am deeply sorry for upsetting you, Raven.”

“You didn’t, he did, he is a monster. I have seen the scars on your back, touched them, I never thought…” Raven trailed off her eyes getting misty. Lexa brushed her tears away, moving her hands up and down Raven’s naked back.

“They do not hurt anymore, and I bare them with honor, I do not regret it and because of that you shouldn’t be so upset, to me they are precious,” Lexa said, her eyes wide and light.

“Luna,” Raven said, understanding dawning on her slowly, “You love her.”

“I knew from the beginning our love couldn’t be, my survival meant her demise and her survival meant my death. I never allowed myself to entertain the idea of being with her as anything other than friends. The Commander told her she had to help me settle, keep me company, make the transition easier for me. I had only seen 6 summers at the time, but I remember that day with absolute clarity. She is three years older so, at the time she was taller than I was and I refused to look up from my feet, she knelt in front of me and held my face in her hands, tilting it up so I would look at her. Her hair fell wildly, in curls and braids, just like it does now. I didn’t look too good at the time, I had been caught stealing from a stall in the markets, the owner saw and smacked me across the face with his walking stick,” Lexa said and Raven was surprised to see amusement in her face. “When black blood sprayed the floor and started pouring down my face I saw his face go pale in terror. As you know, Nightbloods had to be protected at all costs. He picked me up and he took me to the Polis Tower. There I met the Commander and I met her, I knew my face was drenched in blood and that I wouldn’t be able to open my eye, but still, when she saw me she smiled wide and big and then a sudden unrest started in my gut. I loved her that instant and I haven’t been able to stop ever since, we were as close as we could be, the best of friends, and I felt like she had become a part of me, part of my structure, for years every night I dreamt of mating her, of being with her, kissing her, but I knew that she would have to kill me at the Conclave and so I decided to make it easier for her and not let my feelings complicate things further. She knew I couldn’t kill her and that she had to kill me, I was ready to die by her hand, but she couldn’t do it, she left and I became Commander, I didn’t know where she was, if she was alive and safe, until a few years later when I went to see the leader of the Boat people to offer them to join the Coalition and she was there.”

“Your heart jumped out of your chest, didn’t it?” Raven asked a smile on her lips. She wasn’t a romantic, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t think Lexa and Luna’s love was beautiful and that it would have been epic if they had ended up together, but for some reason, they hadn’t. After all, Lexa was sharing her bed with Raven, wasn’t she?

“That is a very small way to put it,” Lexa said. “Luna was always in my thoughts, and I believe she always will be, but by that time I had started to feel things for someone else, and Luna was with someone else, a gona from Floukru. I never knew if she ever felt the same way I did, and it doesn’t really matter anymore, I might not feel for her what I felt then, but I have never felt something as pure as that, as innocent, she was my best friend, she was everything, and I am glad she found a place where she feels likes she belongs, a safe place.”

“You’d look really hot together,” Raven said and then thought better of it. “I believe anyone would just look hot next to you, you are that attractive.”

“You are very beautiful too, Raven,” Lexa said, her eyes terribly sincere as they looked into Raven’s. “You can tell me about Finn if you want to, he was your first love, yes?”

Raven’s jaw clenched, she had already talked about Finn with Lexa, about his death and how Lexa had been the one to order it. She knew Lexa couldn’t have spared him, that it would have probably cost her her own life and that maybe after her death the coalition would have fragmented too. She knew that Finn had been guilty too and that there was no way around that.

“My mother, she wasn’t the best mother,” Raven said, not meeting Lexa’s eyes. “She had a problem with drinking and with drugs, she felt like she needed them and she spent every second of her life having them or thinking about how she would get them next. Because of that, she would not pay much attention to me, if any…” Raven said, tracing the scars on Lexa’s chest to distract herself. “it got to the point where she would exchange my food to get more drugs, to make herself feel better. I was starving Lexa, I was a child, and sometimes the ache in my stomach got so bad I thought I was going to die. Until I met the boy next door, he shared his meals with me every single day, we grew closer and closer, became friends and then partners. I loved him, I did, but I do not think it was something as intense as what you felt for Luna. We had been together for years and it got to a point where I felt like we were friends who had sex, and it was good, but sometimes it lacked passion. Sometimes I think I never left him because I felt like I would be in debt to him forever, sometimes because I felt like he was the only person that had my back. I wasn’t with him for the right reasons but I did love him deeply, and I have come to know that what I felt for him was more friendship than anything else.”

“You must not feel bad about that, I have been lucky enough to experience true friendship and I can tell you that there’s no love as sweeter as the one that comes from it,” Lexa said, her hand splayed on Raven’s back.

“I don’t feel bad right now,” Raven said as she crawled on top of Lexa and started undulating her hips, letting her center brush against the alpha’s hard abs. Lexa looked up at her, knowing perfectly well that she was using sex to avoid talking about her feelings.

“You said you couldn’t do this again.”

“I have rested, and I want your cock inside of me right now,” Raven said, lifting her hips as she grabbed at Lexa’s cock, angling it in a way so she could glide her hot sex over it, pressing her clit hard against it and feeling wetness start to flow down her entrance.

“You are sure?” Lexa asked, looking into Raven’s eyes, her cock had almost finished hardening.

“Yes,” Raven said, gasping in surprise when Lexa rolled them over. The alpha grabbed her leg and put it over her shoulder, moving her other leg away as she lined up with Raven’s entrance, letting the tip of her cock slip inside just slightly before pulling away and letting it nudge at the omega’s clit. Raven whimpered, begging Lexa to just put it inside until the alpha couldn’t hold herself back anymore and rammed into Raven with all the force she possessed.

Raven shouted at the sudden intrusion, her walls fighting to adjust to Lexa’s length as the alpha started pumping in and out of her, thrusting as hard as she could, feeling the tip of her cock constantly brush against that spot that made Raven’s toes curl.

Lexa leaned down, sucking on Raven’s neck, kissing her skin and then moving up to her lips, their mouths fighting for dominance as the omega’s cries of pleasure were drowned by the alpha’s tongue. Raven could hear her bed banging constantly against the metal wall, she could see Lexa’s hard length, thick and heavy as it spread her apart and then pulled out, again and again; she could feel herself dripping, drenching Lexa’s cock as she cried out her orgasm, her walls viciously squeezing the alpha’s cock until the alpha was spilling everything she had to give inside the omega’s channel.

Raven whimpered lowly once Lexa pulled out of her, her center was achy and sensitive, she breathed hard, her chest moving up and down quickly as she kept her eyes tightly shut.

Lexa stared intently as her cum dribbled out of the omega’s entrance. She couldn’t help herself as she lowered her head and started licking, running her tongue all over Raven’s cunt, collecting their joined release with her tongue, moaning at the taste as she relentlessly fucked Raven with her tongue. The omega gasped in surprise and pleasure, biting her lips until she drew blood as Lexa mercilessly attacked her clit.

Raven came again and Lexa was there to help her through her orgasm, staying even after the omega had fallen asleep, looking at her silently.

………………………..

“I know what you are doing,” Octavia said as she leaned against the doorframe that leads into Raven’s bedroom.

The other omega was lying in bed, Lexa had left some time ago and she was just too content and too sore to move, she would probably invite the alpha Commander to join her again. The thought made her center ache slightly and she smirked.

“I am kind of naked so if you could come in and close the door that’d be great,” Raven said and Octavia rolled her eyes before making her way in.

“It reeks, Rae.”

“Well, you decided to come in,” Raven said, covering her body with the bedsheets before finally turning her head to look at Octavia.

“This won’t end well, and you know it.”

“And what exactly is this, Octavia?” Raven said, getting angry. “Please, enlighten me.”

“You sleeping with the Commander, she is off-limits.”

“Says who? We are adults, she gave me her consent to fuck her and so did I, it’s fun, it’s hot and I am having the best orgasms of my life so I am not going to attempt to stop it.”

“What about Clarke?” Octavia said and Raven gave her a confused frown.

“What about her? She refuses to even be in the same room as the Commander.”

“That’s because the Commander kissed her before the Mountain and then left her there, that’s why she took it to heart, Rae,” Octavia said, her voice dripping with frustration.

“Oh,” Raven said, she hadn’t known that bit of information. “So what? It’s not like I am going to marry her Octavia, we are just having sex, it means nothing.”

“Doesn’t it? Because I know this is not the first time.”

“Well, if you had seen her body and what she does with it you’d understand why it isn’t,” Raven said, holding back her amusement at Octavia’s distressed face.

“Just don’t fall for her,” Octavia said. “She will ruin you.”

………………………….

Late at night Raven heard a knock on her door, the person on the other side didn’t wait before going in and Raven knew Lexa was the only person who would do something like that.

“You know, the point of knocking is waiting until the other person gives you permission to come in.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” Raven said, closing the door and turning to look at the Commander, Lexa seemed exhausted and Raven remembered that she hadn’t seen her in two days. “Where have you been?”

“Near, some bandits raided a village close by, we went there to look after the people and to try and track them.”

“Did you catch them?” Raven asked as she curled her arms around Lexa’s neck.

“Not all of them,” Lexa said and Raven hummed in response, she could feel Lexa’s hand settle low on her back under her shirt and caress gently her skin.

“How tired are you?” Raven asked and the alpha looked at her with a cocky smile.

“Not tired enough,” Lexa said, leaning in to press her mouth hotly against Raven’s.

The omega moaned at the taste of alpha on her tongue, tightening her hold around Lexa’s neck as the alpha pushed her against the wall.

……………..

Lexa fell asleep quickly after they had finished. Usually, their activities would last a little longer, but Raven understood the Commander was tired.

The alpha was lying on her back, her head gently leaning towards her right side, her arm curled around Raven’s back, she breathed deeply and slowly and as she did so Raven couldn’t help but lean on her side and stare at the dark love mark she had left on the alpha’s collarbone.

Raven sighed, her mind hectic now that she didn’t have the alpha to keep her distracted. She reached the end of the bed for the sheets and pulled them up to the Commander’s waist, successfully covering her most intimate parts. Then she settled back on the Commander’s side tracing the scars that littered her tight core with her fingertips.

The alpha’s abdomen was hard, the lines that split it evenly so deep they seemed to be carved with a knife. Any other night Raven would be thinking about how hot it was, but that night, after having spoken with Octavia she couldn’t help but think about other things.

Lexa never left after they were done having sex. Raven had had some affairs in the past, and they all ended the same way, they would fuck, her partner for the night would leave, and they probably wouldn’t see each other again. But Lexa always stayed until the next morning at least, and when she couldn’t she would always leave a note explaining why she had to leave. More often than not, they would wake up together and have another round, either in the bed or in the shower if they were in Skaikru, the bath if they were in Polis. Then they would chat about easy things, Raven about machines and stars and spaceships, Lexa about the Nightbloods, the fairs, and her favorite places in Polis.

Then they would tackle the day.

Was Lexa just nice and respectful, or were they getting close?

Raven couldn’t really tell, she thought about it as she traced the deep scar that split Lexa’s abdomen in two, the one Abby had had to make to save her life when she had been run through with a sword. The memory of Lexa bleeding out in her arms came to the forefront of her mind and Raven shivered, suddenly feeling like she would be sick.

Lexa seemed to feel the shudder of Raven’s body against her own because her eyes opened sleepily and looked down at Raven with a small frown.

“You are cold,” The alpha said, voice hoarse and low with sleep, not waiting for an answer when she reached down with her free arm and pulled the sheets up until they were covering Raven’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” Raven said, and the alpha just tightened her arm around her back, brushing her hand up and down Raven’s back to warm her up.

“Why are you not sleeping?”

“I am not that tired,” Raven said and Lexa frowned.

“Do you want me to…?”

“No! I mean, I think we have established that you can have your way with me whenever and however, and I won’t complain…” Raven said, watching Lexa’s cheeks get a little pink. “It’s just…”

“What is it, Raven?”

“Octavia knows about us,” Raven said and Lexa frowned slightly.

“Does that bother you? I can make sure she will be discreet about it.” Lexa said, her voice serious and her hold protective.

“It isn’t that, I couldn’t care less about Octavia knowing we are having sex, it is none of her business. She made me think about some things though,” Raven said and Lexa incorporated herself to be in a sitting position, leaving Raven to do the same. 

“Go on.”

“I am not sure what we are doing is just sex anymore, I mean usually when people are just having sex, they do it and then everyone goes their way and they even have sex with other people, they don’t usually stay the night and if they do they leave early in the morning without saying much besides maybe awkward goodbyes,” Raven said and Lexa looked back at her, confused.

“Do you wish me to leave and to have sex with others?”

“No!” Raven said in a rush. “I mean no, I don’t want you to leave, but you can have sex with whoever you want.”

“I don’t want to have sex with anyone else,” Lexa said, noticing how heavy her expression had been when she saw the look on Raven’s face. “I don’t need sex, I lived perfectly well without sex for 3 years before you came along. I am not looking for it and I wasn’t looking for it when we began doing it.”

“3 years?” Raven said, surprised, she wouldn’t think anyone would be able to go so long without sex, much less an alpha. Much less Lexa, she probably had people throwing themselves at her all the time just with how attractive she was. “But I am sure people throw themselves at you, I mean you are quite attractive and you are probably the most powerful alpha around.”

“Yes, my lack of intercourse with everyone that offered themselves to me was heavily frowned upon by my advisors,” Lexa said, her tone bitter.

“They wanted you to sleep around?” Raven said with her eyebrows arched, that had been a surprise.

“Yes, they wanted me to spread my seed, to ensure that the Nightblood gene would be passed on and that everything that makes me me would be passed on as well. They would allow omegas and even some betas to present themselves to me. They would sometimes let them into my rooms in hopes that I would relent after seeing them bare in my furs,” Lexa said, her face twisted in disgust.

“You made them stop?” Raven asked, feeling quite disgusted herself. Lexa’s advisors had done those things knowing well that Lexa wouldn’t like it and that it would make it uncomfortable, that was just so wrong.

“I tried, I told them I wasn’t pleased with it, but it is not like I can punish my advisors for placing an omega in my rooms. They stopped when one of those omegas tried to kill me,” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“I had already turned in for the night when she came in, I tried to be gentle, I take no pleasure on rejecting them and making them feel unworthy. She was particularly insistent, pushed me into the bed and crawled on top of me, I didn’t want to use force because I knew I would hurt her and because I believed she was only doing what my advisors had told her to. Those situations always made me quite uncomfortable and with her being more forceful I wasn’t sure how to respond and she saw that I was thrown off by her attitude...” Lexa said and Raven could only stare at her horrified.

The alpha in front of her was constantly harassed and abused, and all of it was prompted by her advisors, by the people who were supposed to look out for her. Raven felt like she was going to be sick.

“...I remember she had managed to force down one of my arms with her leg and that with the other I was still trying to keep her at arm's length, everything happened quite fast but I still recognized the glint of a blade against the moonlight so I got to move slightly when she brought it down.” Lexa said reaching for Raven’s hand and pressing it to her left collarbone where there was a thick scar very close to the neck. “She aimed for the neck, but when I moved it sank on the muscle on top my collarbone, thankfully it missed the bone, it was a painful injury and a deep one but it was harmless,” Lexa said as Raven felt the scar under her fingertips, she had seen it before, she just didn’t know where it had come from.

“Anyone with that kind of behavior would have been executed back in space,” Raven said, unable to stop her safe from shifting into an expression of anger and disgust.

“Here too, but the omegas that got insistent with me got no punishments because their actions were supported by the advisors and because as Commander my body doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to my people and my people need the Nightblood gene to be passed on.”

“So they just stopped because you almost got killed, not because you were against the whole thing. They should have stopped as soon as they saw you were not okay with it,” Raven said, outraged.

“I did not intend to upset you,” Lexa said, after seeing how angry Raven had gotten.

“You are not upsetting me, your advisors, whoever they are, are the ones upsetting me,” Raven said. “They are a bunch of assholes.”

“My point is that I am not looking to have a sexual relationship, I am okay without it.”

“Wait a second,” Raven said, moving away from Lexa. “You are okay with what we are doing right?”

“Yes, Raven. If I hadn’t been comfortable with it, I would have stopped it.” Lexa said, smiling a little at Raven’s concern. 

“What made it different with me?” Raven asked, feeling more than a little curious.

“Many things. I knew you didn’t want to sleep with me for the glory of carrying Heda’s seed, I knew my advisors hadn’t pushed you to present yourself to me. And most of all, what you said before kissing me.” Lexa said. “You told me that I deserved to feel better too, you made it about me and it’s been years since anyone made anything about me.” 

“Wait, does this mean that I get some kind of prize for sleeping with you?” Raven asked teasingly with a smile playing at the corner of her lips. Lexa smiled back, wider than Raven had ever seen. “Because if that’s the case I won’t turn it back, I want my prize.”

“You’d probably get a prize if you carried my seed, and I am quite sure that’s not something you’d like,” Lexa said, her eyes showing amusement as she looked at Raven.

“I am so not getting pregnant, babies are too much work.”

“That’s not why I said it, but yes, babies are a lot of work,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

“Why did you say it then?”

“You deserve happiness, a proper family, a partner that will be there for you, and will be able to care of the child with you,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

“Did you have a proper family?”

“No,” Lexa said.

“Well, neither did I and I think we turned out just fine,” Raven said, lying back against the pillows and closing her eyes.

“Are you saying you would be willing to carry my children?”

Raven almost choked with her own spit, her eyes widened and she started sputtering like a fish out of water. Lexa watched her for a few seconds before she started laughing, her eyes fell closed and a quiet laugh left her lips, her cheeks got a little red and Raven watched as she covered her mouth with one of her hands.

“That was not funny,” Raven said, but there was a smile on her lips.

“Yes, it was.”

“See? This is what I mean, we are not only having sex, we talk and we have fun and we sleep together. People who just fuck don’t do any of that,” Raven said and Lexa frowned.

“Do you want to stop doing those things?”

“No! Look, I just want to know what are we,” Raven said, getting exasperated.

“Well, I can only tell you what you are to me. I see you as a friend, Raven,” Lexa said truthfully and Raven gave her a small smile. The Mechanic prompted Lexa to lie down again and then she settled on her side right next to her.

“Octavia didn’t take well the fact that we are sleeping together and one of the reasons it bothers her is because you kissed Clarke before Mount Weather,” Raven said, her head propped up on her hand as she looked down at Lexa. “I know you have feelings for her, or at least you had feelings for her back when this thing between us started. And if she feels something for you… I just don’t know if it would be okay for me to do what I am doing with you if she does have them.”

“I did feel something for Clarke. When I looked at her, her anguish, her conflict, her pain, I saw myself because that was me when I first took command. No one can understand what it is like to be in a position such as my own at least that they go through it as well and in a way Clarke was a reflection of how I still feel when I lose my grip on my control. The only difference is that she used those feelings, that fear and that pain to push herself forwards when I feel like they hold me back, and I always admired her for that,” Lexa began, and Raven watched her swallow hard.

“We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” Raven said, seeing that Lexa was having a hard time putting her feelings into words, that didn’t surprise the omega the Commander was usually very quiet.

“No, what I mean to say is that I thought that she would understand the decision I made that day, that because she had made hard choices herself she would understand my own. Yes, I betrayed my alliance with your people and yes, I left you all there to die, but I didn’t have any other choice, not when they had my people inside their Mountain, not when they could murder them all before we made it inside. Your people were relatively safe because the Maunon needed them, but they had no use for my people any longer. As Commander the only thing that I must do is save my people, keep them protected, even at the cost of others, and I believed Clarke would understand that, especially after she had to choose her people over the Mountain Men, over the allies you had inside those walls,” Lexa said and Raven nodded slowly.

“It hurts you that she doesn’t understand.”

“It hurt me to leave her, it hurts me that she doesn’t see that, it hurts me that she doesn’t seem to care about what I have done to prove to your people that they do not need to fear us anymore. And yes, it hurts me that she doesn’t understand, I was doing what I thought was best for my people,” Lexa said, turning her face slightly to the side to look at Raven. “I felt something for her, but her lack of understanding, the hatred she still feels after all this time… I do not feel the same anymore.”

“What if one day she understands?” Raven asked and Lexa’s lips tilted up.

“I might not be alive by then, I am always in a dangerous position. You know that I ruined some of your clothes with my blood, didn’t I?”

“You remember that?” Raven asked. Lexa had been almost unconscious back then so Raven had assumed she didn’t recall anything from that day.

“I remember a few things, flashes here and there, your scent was clear in my head, it distracted me from the pain,” Lexa said and her eyes didn’t move away from Raven when she spoke again. “You were afraid.”

“Well, of course, I was afraid,” Raven said, trying to make light of it. “It is not every day you see someone impaled by a sword,” The Mechanic said, reaching down to place her hand on one of the scars on the Commander’s tout abdomen.

“I suppose not,” Lexa said with a smile.

They got comfortable in bed again, Raven laid her head down on the pillow her face just inches away from the Commander’s, so when Lexa tilted her head towards her their noses almost brushed.

“Raven, may I ask you something?” Lexa asked and Raven was surprised by how tentative she sounded and by how tamed Lexa could be as an alpha. Alphas usually just did what they wanted, took what they wanted with no regard of the consequences. 

“Sure.”

“Why aren’t you angry at me because of the Mountain? Your hatred towards me seems to come from what happened with Finn, but the Mountain… you just never mention it,” Lexa said and Raven responded quickly, she really didn’t have much to think about.

“For starters, I don’t hate you. And to answer your question, I just don’t feel like I have the right, or the moral authority to judge you. I blew up a bridge that ended up with the death of a child, I told Clarke how to provoke the fire that ended in deaths of 300 warriors... Who am I to say anything about what you did? You left 47 people to die, you didn’t even hurt them directly you just removed yourself from the equation, I killed 300 hundred, maybe more. I might not have been the one to provoke the fire, but they wouldn’t have been able to do it if I hadn’t told them how. So I don’t have it in me to call you a monster, not when I have done bad things as well, not when it would mean that I am a monster too,” Raven said, watching as Lexa’s eyes filled with concern.

“You were just protecting your people, that doesn’t make you a monster,” Lexa said, placing a gentle hand on Raven’s arm.

“I guess that applies to you as well,” Raven said watching as Lexa blinked quickly at her words, seeming surprised and little confused by them.

Raven looked back at her, her gaze drifting towards the darkness under the Commander’s eyes. She was reminded of the fact that Lexa had had a rough couple of days and that she probably had come back needing to rest, not to be awoken in the middle of the night. 

Unconsciously Raven started pumping out comforting pheromones, filling the room with her sweet scent. She saw the Commander’s eyes flutter closed as she took a deep breath, her body loosening as she let out a little sigh of content.

“Sleep, we can talk more tomorrow,” Raven whispered, shushing the Commander when she tried to speak. “Just rest, you will need it.” 

The Commander seemed to relent, omega pheromones clouded her brain as she quickly fell into a deep slumber, breaths coming slow and deep. 

Raven pulled the sheets up so they covered the Commander’s chest and her own before falling asleep as well.

……………………

Raven didn’t know when she fell asleep, but she was suddenly awakened with a sudden pain shooting up her leg, her eyes opened with a hiss and she looked around to find the Commander breathing harshly, frozen and stiff as a board with her forehead coated in a thin sheen of sweat.

Raven was instantly concerned and noticing the tears on the Commander’s cheeks, she reached out comfort her, but as soon as her hand touched Lexa’s skin the Commander seemed to jump out of her skin, moving away from Raven’s touch with a move that almost lands her on the floor.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Raven whispered, keeping her hands to herself but pumping out as many of her pheromones as she could. “It’s just me, we are safe.”

Lexa’s wide eyes met hers, panic swimming in their depths. Raven wanted to pull the Commander closer, hold her, help her calm down but she knew that the Commander would feel weak for needing that kind of comfort so Raven tried something else.

“Hey Heda, would you mind holding me? I am feeling a little cold,” Raven said, rubbing her arms and faking a shudder.

Lexa gave her a shaky nod, rolling onto her side and opening her arms for Raven. The omega moved into the Commander’s embrace, nestling her head gently under the Commander’s chin while one of her arms curled around Lexa’s back. Because of her position Raven could most definitely feel the agitated beat of Lexa’s heart against her ear, she frowned in concern and started rubbing the Commander’s back gently, pumping even more of her warm omega pheromones, filling the room with their comforting scent.

In response Lexa clutched Raven hard against her chest, burying her nose in Raven’s hair and breathing in deeply.

Slowly but surely Raven felt the Commander’s pulse starting to calm down, the omega felt the concern that had been clogging her throat start to dissolve and she continued the gentle movements of her hand on the back of Lexa’s neck. The Commander seemed to like it, letting out little sighs against Raven’s head. 

The omega was surprised to feel a thick scar there and wondered if there was any part of Lexa’s body that wasn’t marred by pain.

Suddenly, Lexa rolled them over. Raven’s back ended up pressed against the mattress with the alpha on top of her.

“Do you mind if we…” Lexa wasn’t able to complete her sentence, looking away for a second before moving her gaze back to Raven. “I need to think about something else.”

Raven looked into the Commander’s eyes, red-rimmed and framed by dark bags that only seemed to get bigger and darker. She cupped the Commander’s cheek, brushing her thumb below her ear and then moving the same hand to the back of the Commander’s head, burying her fingers in soft hair.

“It’s okay,” Raven whispered, bringing the Commander down for a deep kiss.

When Raven used sex as a distraction she always looked for a particular kind of sex. She liked it fast and hard, she wanted to reach her high as quickly as possible, to be able to free her mind from whatever was bothering her and so she assumed that Lexa would be the same. That’s why she was particularly surprised when they ended up spending a really long time kissing. Raven wasn’t particularly bothered by it, the Commander’s kisses were slow, languid, deep, and every time she flicked her tongue along the roof of her mouth or nibbled on her bottom lip with her teeth Raven would see stars. Still, Raven couldn’t stop herself from thinking. If Lexa wanted to free herself from her nightmare why didn’t she just ask Raven to blow her and be done with it quick and efficiently?

Raven shook her head internally, that just wasn’t who Lexa was. The Commander wouldn’t dare to take something without giving back, the Commander wouldn’t dare to take something without giving _first._ Lexa wouldn’t use Raven for her own pleasure, not without making it all worth it for the omega.

Raven also guessed that the slow start also had to do with what the nightmare did to Lexa’s state of mind. Someone who had just woken up from such an awful dream couldn’t just suddenly sport a raging hard-on.

The omega was pulled out of her own head by Lexa, who deliciously sucked on her bottom lip.

“Where are you, Raven?” Lexa asked, pulling away to look down at the omega, she had noticed that Raven wasn’t quite there.

“Right here,” Raven said at once, running her hand down the Commander’s back, before coming back up and rubbing the back of her neck. “I am with you,” Raven whispered, pulling Lexa back down so their lips could mold together.

They kissed for so long that Raven was sure her lips would be bruised, but eventually, the Commander’s hands and her mouth started to wander. Soft lips left open-mouthed kisses on her pulse point, sucking and nipping on the place where her scent was at its strongest. A gentle hand cupped one of her breasts, kneading it gently and pulling soft sighs from the Mechanic’s throat before they moved to the small peak. Raven felt Lexa brush her thumb over her nipple time and time again, teasing her with the sensation before she held the small bud between thumb and forefinger, rolling it and pinching it between two fingers.

Meanwhile, Lexa’s lips continued to make their descent, they left their mark all over her neck and collarbones before they made their way to her unattended breast. Raven groaned from deep within her throat when Lexa ran the flat of her tongue over the sensitive nipple, the alpha did the same a few more times before she started flicking her tongue gently over the nub. Raven could feel pressure low on her belly and she knew her folds would have started to glisten with all the attention Lexa was paying her breasts. The omega was about to complain to Lexa for stopping her motions when she felt the alpha blow on her soaked nipple, the sensation made the hairs on Raven’s arms stand on end and a shot of pleasure travel right to her clit, making her squeeze her legs. Everything just got deliciously worse when the alpha started sucking.

Raven leaned her head to the side, moaning softly against the pillows as Lexa’s mouth continued to be latched around her breasts. The hand that she wasn’t using to support herself was brought down to caress around Raven’s navel, staying there for a few minutes, drawing countless shapes before they traveled lower. The omega let out a loud whine when said hand avoided her center altogether and settled on the inside of her thighs, kneading them, massaging them with strong circles.

The Mechanic couldn’t take it for much longer, she wanted Lexa inside, so she folded her good leg over Lexa’s ass and tried to pull her down so their centers would meet. The alpha didn’t move one inch.

“Lexa, please,” Raven begged. Her unattended clit almost hurt with how stiff it was, her opening fluttered, clenching and unclenching around nothing as it begged for Lexa’s cock, for her fingers, her lips, anything. The Mechanic was soaked, she was ready, and she needed the alpha to take her once and for all.

“Are you ready for me?” Lexa asked. And Raven knew she didn’t do it to turn her on more but it did. The low vibrations of the Commander’s voice, the musk of her alpha scent only continued to send shots of pleasure down to the omega’s clit.

Raven buried her own fingers inside her cunt, gasping at how sensitive her clit was and letting her digits get soaked by her fluids. Then she brought said hand up and put it right where Lexa could see.

“I am ready, this is all for you,” Raven said desperately as she watched the Commander’s eyes go black from arousal. The alpha leaned down to take Raven’s fingers into her mouth, sucking them clean. The sound only made Raven wetter, she whined, bucking up her hips and feeling the Commander’s rock hard cock strain between their bodies.

Lexa reached down, taking her cock into her hand and pumping it a few times, spreading the leaking pre-cum all over her shaft before letting the head press right on top the omega’s hard clit. Raven moaned deeply, clutching her eyes shut at the pressure, at feeling the Commander repeatedly nudge her clit with the head of her cock, before lowering it to the omega’s entrance and going back up, spreading her wetness.

The Heda leaned down, pressing her lips against Raven’s as she lined her cock with the omega’s entrance, pushing inside slowly. Raven couldn’t help but gasp against the alpha’s mouth as the swollen head of her cock pushed past her entrance, followed by several inches. The intense pressure of the thick shaft pushing against her walls in such a slow-motion allowed her to feel every pulse of the warm shaft and every flutter of her walls around it, Raven toes curled and a shudder traveled down her spine, moans escaping her mouth against Lexa’s lips as she was finally filled. She could feel the head of Lexa’s cock pressed to her deepest places, she could feel the alpha’s pubic bone pushing hard against her clit, she could feel Lexa mouthing at the salt that traveled down her neck, she could feel her as she licked at the droplets of sweat that pooled on the arch of her collarbones. Raven could feel everything in a way she hadn’t before and she knew by the fluttering of her walls and the heat that had built low in her belly that she would cum soon, by those sensations alone even if Lexa didn’t move an inch.

Raven didn’t think she had ever had such a slow build-up, she didn’t think she had ever felt so many different things, she didn’t think she had ever felt Lexa the way she was feeling her that night. She had never felt anyone like that before.

Lexa closed her lips around Raven’s bottom one, muffling the sounds the omega was making with her mouth and languidly exploring with her tongue, gently, with brushes and soft flicks. Lexa felt Raven’s walls clench around her shaft when she sucked on the omega’s bottom lip, when she brushed her tongue against hers, when she gently flicked at the roof of her mouth. Lexa reached between their bodies with one hand and pressed the pads of her fingers to Raven’s clit, the omega let out a sharp cry and buckled her hips, prompting Lexa to continue, to increase the pressure in which she pushed the small nub with her fingers. The Commander sucked on Raven’s breast as she continued to circle her clit, applying more and more pressure with each touch of her fingers until she felt the omega’s walls ripple around her cock, Raven’s back arched up slightly and a long, drawn-out moan left her lips, eyes clenched shut.

Lexa’s shaft pulsed at the flood of warm pressure that enveloped it and she soon felt the need to move. She leaned both elbows against the mattress, one on each side of Raven’s head and lifted her hips, she pulled out slowly, letting the omega feel the drag of the head of her cock against her walls before pushing down fast and hard with a snap of her hips.

The aftershocks of her first orgasm were still shooting up and Raven’s veins when she felt the sudden movement of Lexa’s stiff rod inside of her. The slow pull out felt like delicious torture while the sharp thrusts felt like a lightning strike, each one sending shivers down Raven’s back and making her legs feel like jelly. The omega was a mess of whimpers and moans below the alpha’s strong body, soon Lexa’s strokes gained speed and strength, her hips snapping against Raven’s and her pubic bone constantly hitting her clit had the omega panting for air and clutching at the alpha’s shoulders for dear life.

A quiet chant of harder, faster, and more started coming out of the omega’s mouth as she buried her nails over the alpha’s back and shoulders, dragging them all over her skin and leaving red lines behind.

Lexa increased the pace, pulling her cock almost all the way out before pushing inside again, making the headboard of the bed slam noisily against the metal wall. Raven’s cries only continued to get louder. She felt Lexa’s teeth bite down on the skin where her shoulder joined her neck at the same time as the alpha ground her pubic bone hard against the omega’s clit. Raven was thrown over the edge and into the strongest orgasm she had ever had. Her head dropped back into a silent scream, her limbs went completely stiff and her toes curled as all her nerve endings were suddenly lit on fire. Her walls clenched around Lexa’s cock like they never wanted to let go and she felt a rush of wetness drip between her legs.

Lexa gave her a few minutes to recover, she left kisses all over Raven’s cheeks, over her forehead and her nose, then she licked at the imprint her teeth had left on the omega’s skin, she hadn’t broken the skin, she knew better than that, but still the omega would have some deep bruising for the next few days.

Once Raven couldn’t feel her heartbeat on her clit did she open her eyes and realized that her nails were buried in Lexa’s skin, she let go at once and caressed the half moons with the tips of fingers. Then she felt Lexa pull out and couldn’t hold back a small whine at the sudden loss.

Raven watched the alpha straighten and sit back on her heels, droplets of sweat were traveling down the valley between Lexa’s breasts and then lower towards her hard abs. Raven’s eyes traveled lower as well, settling on the pulsing shaft standing proudly between Lexa’s legs. The Commander’s cock looked painfully hard and soaked completely on Raven’s cum, the sight alone made another gush of wetness pour out of her entrance.

Lexa didn’t say anything, she just grabbed the pillows from the top of the bed and lifted Raven’s hips, settling the pillows under them and then lifting the omega’s knees to her shoulders. Lexa’s cock slid into Raven’s channel easily, aided by the omega’s recent orgasm. The new angle made Raven’s eyes roll to the back of her head, with each stroke the head of Lexa’s shaft would nudge that spongy spot on her front wall. Lexa continued to pump her hips upwards, her hands clutching so hard the omega’s hips she was sure she would leave bruises, but right then Lexa couldn’t help herself, she continued to thrust wildly, freeing herself from all self-control as she drove her cock into Raven’s channel with as much power and strength as she could manage.

Raven’s over-stimulated body couldn’t resist much longer, with Lexa hitting right where she needed her to, with her hands digging on Raven’s hips, with her scent clouding Raven’s mind and with her cock putting her walls into such an intense pressure the omega couldn’t stop herself from reaching her climax with a loud cry, her hips pushing up to meet Lexa’s every thrust as she tugged at the bedsheets, her walls clenching uncontrollably around Lexa’s cock. 

“Lexa…” Raven gasped, feeling the Commander’s hips as they continued to slap against her own. The omega’s brain was clouded by bliss, her whole body tingling without a stop because of the highs she had reached. But her partner had yet to come, and Raven knew Lexa needed it, so she clutched at Lexa’s wrists and looked up into her eyes, not missing the sight of the Commander’s cock pushing in and out of her, still rock hard and glistening with wetness. “Come for me, please.”

Brown eyes met green, and with her words the Commander came undone, giving one last hard push before she fell forwards, hands on each side of Raven’s head and forehead pressed to the omega’s shoulder. Raven felt it all, she closed her eyes and all she could feel was Lexa pulsing inside of her as hot jets of cum splashed her walls. Raven didn’t know she had it in her, she didn’t know her body could reach that kind of pleasure, but the sensation of Lexa coming inside of her, the heat, the small ripples of the shaft inside of her made her fall unexpectedly into another orgasm.

Raven cursed in Lexa’s ear, shivering uncontrollably as she held the alpha close to her body, holding tightly onto Lexa’s back as the alpha lazily pumped her hips, helping them both ride the aftershocks of their joined climax.

Lexa moaned quietly as she moved her hands under the omega’s back, holding her close as she rolled onto her back, letting Raven rest on top of her, their bodies still joined. The alpha was breathing hard, she could feel her pulse thundering in her ears as her shaft finally softened inside of Raven’s warm and snug channel. Lexa closed her eyes in content, unable to think about anything as long as she was inside the omega, as long as she could feel her heated skin pressed flush against her body and her scent filling her lungs.

Raven was almost completely unconscious when she heard Lexa speak rather loudly.

“Lana!” She called, and Raven knew a moment later Lexa’s handmaiden would come inside. The omega hid her face on the Commander’s neck, knowing the handmaiden wouldn’t bat an eye at seeing them naked and still intertwined on the bed. 

Raven heard Lexa speak in fast trigedasleng before the Commander reached for the bedsheets and pulled them over them both. Then, she heard Lana leave the room and come back several times before the door was finally closed.

The Mechanic felt Lexa remove the sheets covering them and roll them again, this time leaving Raven on her back against the mattress. The omega looked up with her eyes half-closed, hissing slightly as she felt Lexa pull out of her, she missed the sensation instantly and was also completely aware of her aching center. 

The Commander stood from the bed and picked Raven up gently, the omega curled her arms around Lexa’s neck and sighed.

“Where are we going?”

“To the bathroom,” Lexa said, pressing a kiss to the top of Raven’s head as she made the short trip to Raven’s bathroom where her handmaiden had prepared a warm bath. 

Raven smelled the scented oils before she opened her eyes and sighed contently, her brain and her body felt like mush. She pretty much collapsed bonelessly against the tub once Lexa lowered her into the warm water, soon enough the alpha lowered herself behind her and held her up, Raven was sure she could have fallen asleep then and there if Lexa hadn’t started talking.

“I am sorry, I never meant to use you like this,” Lexa said, her voice quiet. Raven fought to open her eyes and twisted her head to the side to be able to look at the alpha.

“I didn’t feel used, quite the opposite actually,” Raven said, her voice raspy and low with exhaustion. “None of the people I have been with before had taken so much time to make me feel in so many different ways, they just did what they had to do to get off, and I don’t blame them that’s what I usually do too, but tonight was different. It is always awesome between us, better than with anyone else, but today was different in a good way, I really liked it.”

“I was worried because I know I didn’t start by doing what you usually prefer,” Lexa said, almost shyly. She knew that Raven liked to be done with it quickly, she liked it fast and hard, she liked it with a passion that sometimes bordered on anger, and that night Lexa had started out gentle and slow. “I was worried you wouldn’t be satisfied.”

“Is that why you held on so much? Is that why you didn’t allow yourself to come until I asked you to?” Raven asked and Lexa only nodded, burying her face on the crook of Raven’s neck. The omega reached up with one hand to caress gently the Commander’s head. “I liked it, all of it. I liked it a lot, we can slow things down sometimes if you want, I enjoyed it and I promise I didn’t feel used.”

Lexa then took her time to wash Raven’s exhausted body, she knew that the omega would be sore for a few days and so she was especially careful and gentle. Raven fell asleep in the middle of it and was only awakened when Lexa pulled her out of the water, she was later lowered on a few fluffy towels that had been spread on the bed. Lexa took her time to dry Raven’s body before doing the same to her own, she then got rid of the towels and gently picked Raven up again and lowered her against the pillows.

Raven sighed in content, the sheets felt clean and cool, fresh, she frowned slightly and opened her eyes, Lexa was making her way around the bed to lie next to her.

“Did you change the sheets?”

“No, I asked Lana to do it while we were in the bath, I figured you wouldn’t appreciate lying on the wet spot for the rest of the night,” Lexa said, pulling the clean sheets over Raven’s naked body.

Raven hummed and gave the alpha a small nod.

“Do you think you will be able to get some rest now?” Raven asked, feeling a little guilty. She had woken Lexa up in the middle of the night and not a few hours later the alpha had been woken up by her nightmare, between that and their recent activities the Commander had barely gotten any sleep.

“Yes, thank you,” Lexa said and Raven shot her a smile.

“Don’t thank me, just close your eyes,” Raven whispered, falling asleep before Lexa could say anything else.

  
  
  



	2. In Which Lexa's Love is Painfully Evident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For context: these scenes go directly after the ones I posted last chapter. Here Clarke still hasn't made Lexa think she somehow violated Raven, so Lexa feels like she can do things like kiss Raven without asking for permission.

Raven woke up when she felt movement around the room, she opened her eyes feeling like she had never closed them at all, she was exhausted and sore, deliciously so.

“Lexa,” Raven called once the blurriness left her eyes and she saw the Commander already dressed in her armor and putting her pauldron in place. “What time is it? Where are you going?”

“A few hours after dawn,” The Commander responded and Raven frowned. “My scouts just came back, they spotted the bandits we were unable to catch, we intend to catch them before they move farther away.”

Raven wrapped the sheets around her bare body and walked towards Lexa, grabbing the Commander’s arm so she would stop moving.

“I know this is important, but it can’t be that long since we fell asleep and you had a few shit days before that. You are exhausted and I can see it,” Raven said, staring at the deep bags under the Commander’s eyes, which only seemed to have gotten darker and bigger overnight. “You shouldn’t go into a fight like that, it’s dangerous.”

“I can’t afford to leave my people unattended, they need my protection. I can’t stay,” Lexa said and Raven sighed, she knew that already. If Lexa stayed people would ask questions and whatever answer Lexa gave them could be seen as weakness and that would lead to trouble.

“Can you at least promise me to be safe?” Raven asked with a sigh.

“I can promise to try my best to be safe,” Lexa offered and Raven nodded.

“Fair enough. Go, and keep in mind that I will kill you if you get hurt.”

“Be sure to do it under the trees, Commanders-”

“Die under the trees, I know, I know. Just go and don’t get your ass killed.” Raven said, Lexa nodded, offering Raven a small smile before leaving the room.

……………………

Raven was sitting with Bellamy and Abby in the control room, Lexa and her group had left a couple of hours ago and while Arkadia hadn’t sent any of their soldiers to help with catching the bandits, they offered the Commander to be their back up team, so if there was any trouble they would go to their location and help them.

“Is anyone there?! We need help, we need help yesterday!” Came Octavia’s distressed voice through the radio.

“O, we are here, what’s going on?” Raven asked, both Abby and Bellamy were at the edges of their seat, they needed a bit more information to know how to proceed.

“It was a trap. The small group of bandits we didn’t catch a few days ago were the bait, they guided us to the edge of a rocky incline next to the river and then surrounded us, we managed but a lot of our people are hurt…” Right then Octavia seemed to hesitate and they heard a lot of screaming coming from the radio.

“The bandits have been caught?” Raven asked. “You guys need a medical extraction?”

“Most of them had to be killed. And we need Abby, we need Abby right now. It’s the Commander, she was shot and she fell down the incline and into the river. The current is pretty strong and the water is probably freezing, but it didn’t get to take her away, there is a huge fallen tree trunk, she crashed against it and we are already trying to go down the incline and take her out of the water,” Octavia said, Raven was left speechless.

Abby watched the blood drain from the Mechanic’s face and took the radio from her.

“Octavia, is the arrow her worst injury? where did it hit her?”

“I don’t know what injuries she sustained during the fall, but the arrow hit her square in the chest, I don’t really know if she’s still alive.”

“We are on our way,” Abby said and a moment later she and Bellamy were out of the room.

……………………

When Abby, Raven, Bellamy, and Miller made it to the location, the grounders hadn’t managed to get Lexa up the incline.

“Octavia, what’s going on?” Abby said at once, going to stand next to the girl as they watched the scene in front of them.

Indra and another grounder had made it down the incline and to the river’s edge, they had pulled the Commander out of the water and had her laid on the ground, but they couldn’t figure out how to pull her up without hurting her further.

“Then we have to go down there,” Abby said at once and Octavia shook her head. “Then it would be the same problem, I am sure you can’t do surgery out here, can you?”

“She will die either way if we don’t do something,” the doctor said.

“They can’t carry her and climb up the incline at the same time, that’s the whole problem,” Octavia said. “Nothing you do will matter if we can’t pull her up after you stabilize her.”

“I’ve got an idea!” Raven said, going towards the back of the rover and pulling out the rescue stretcher. “Throw this down to them, tell them to tie her to the stretcher as best as they can, then we will pull the stretcher up, it will be bumpy and we have to pray it doesn’t roll over but it is the best we have got.”

They really didn’t have any other choices, moments later they were tying the stretcher to some rope and throwing it down the incline. Raven watched from the top as Indra and the other gona put the Commander on the stretcher and started to strap her to it. When they were done, they gave them the go-ahead and Lincoln, Bellamy, Miller and the rest of the able-bodied gona started pulling at the rope.

With her heart on her throat, Raven watched as the stretcher slid awkwardly over the rocks and the fallen branches, it was a bumpy ride up and sometimes the stretcher would crash against a big rock that wouldn’t let them continue pulling up. Thankfully, Indra and the other gona had had the good sense to climb up the incline on each side of the stretcher so they were able to free it every time it got stuck.

All Raven could really see was Lexa, and the arrow sticking out of her chest.

Once the stretcher was close enough to the edge, Raven, Abby, and Octavia reached for it and pulled her up the rest of the way.

“Shit,” Octavia cursed under her breath. They hadn’t been able to see very well from so far away, but now that they had her in front of them they could see the true extent of Lexa’s injuries. Her head was bleeding heavily and there were two gashes, both of them big and letting out serious amounts of blood, one was on the Commander’s right side, the other on her right thigh, they both had probably been caused by jagged rocks. And also, from what Raven could tell, her left shoulder was out of place.

Lexa was conscious and staring up at them with heavily lidded eyes. Raven knew just by looking at her that the right side of her jaw and cheek were going to bruise heavily, she also sported a deep cut running horizontally along her eyebrow and a split lip.

“Commander, do not worry, we are here to help and deliver you safe and sound back to your people,” Abby said, and Lexa gave her a weak nod. “Okay, first things first, I need Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln here with me, everyone else, go somewhere where I can’t see you. Bellamy, go warm up the rover as soon as I am ready to move her I want us to be ready to go. Miller, bring all the extra equipment and put it around me,” Abby barked out and everyone went to do their jobs.

“Octavia, Lincoln, we can’t allow her to lose more blood, grab some gauze and bandages from that bag and start trying to stop the bleeding on those gashes. They are big and they are bleeding heavily so I need you to press and don’t let up unless I tell you to.” They both nodded and rushed to do what the doctor had said. Both of them looked uncomfortable once Lexa let out low moans of pain at the pressure against her wounds. “Raven I need you to take off her armor and any clothing she might have under it while I clean my hands and set her up with some oxygen, I don’t like the sound of her breathing.”

Raven was glad, she had taken off Lexa’s armor so many times by then that to do it now felt like second nature, except she couldn’t exactly take it off with the arrow that had gone through the leather and made its way to Lexa’s chest. Raven grabbed a pair of scissors from Abby’s bag and started cutting off everything that was getting in the way.

“Raven…” Lexa whispered, and the Mechanic’s eyes snapped to the alpha’s face. “You are here.”

“Of course I am, I am right here, okay?” Raven whispered softly, caressing the top of Lexa’s head as her eyes watered. The Commander was deadly pale, so much so that her skin had taken a sickly grey tint to it, Raven also noticed that she was freezing, her skin so cold that the omega shivered as soon as she touched it. “You need to promise me you will resist, promise me.”

Their small exchange was interrupted by Abby as she put a nasal cannula over Lexa’s lip, the Commander was taking short and shallow breaths, Abby knew the arrow had made significant damage, they didn’t have much time.

The Doctor examined the position of the arrow, she took in Lexa’s breathing, her pulse, and her blood pressure. The wound was only bleeding sluggishly, which meant that most of the blood had collected inside, which was worse, much worse. She then lowered her head towards the Commander’s bare chest and closed her eyes, listening. It only took her a few seconds, a moment later she was straightening and looking towards Octavia and Lincoln.

“Is the bleeding under control?”

“Yes, I think it stopped,” Octavia said, not moving her hands away from the gash on the Commander’s side.

“Lincoln?” Abby asked, looking down at his hands on the Commander’s thigh. They were completely covered in black blood, it dripped down the Commander’s thigh and stained the grass, it poured between Lincoln’s fingers. The man shook his head helplessly.

Raven looked down at Lexa, the Commander’s eyelids fell heavily and then didn’t open again. Raven’s chest was flooded with panic.

“Hey, hey,” the Mechanic called, patting Lexa’s cheek. The Commander’s eyes fluttered open slowly and her lips parted as if she was about to say something but nothing came out. “Stay awake, that’s a command,” Raven said, caressing the top of Lexa’s head. Her worried brown eyes met hazy green and the corner of the Commander’s lips tilted up.

“Don’t… be… afraid…” Lexa said, between rapid breaths, Raven was sure she wasn’t really getting much air into her lungs.

“Promise me you will stay awake and I will try to not be afraid, deal?” Raven said and the Commander’s head tilted down in a weak nod. Right then Raven felt a small pat on her knee, she looked down and saw that Lexa’s bruised and scraped hand was pressed against it, she instantly took it between her own and held it gently. “You are going to be just fine.”

While that occurred Abby had told Lincoln to apply a tourniquet to Lexa’s leg, remembering to not cut circulation completely and had also taped the bandages over the Commander’s side so they wouldn’t move.

“Let’s go,” Abby said. Miller rushed to put her equipment back in the rover, while Octavia and Lincoln lifted the stretcher and put them on the back as well, Abby and Raven got inside with the Commander and a moment later they were rushing back to Arkadia.

………………………

Raven’s eyes moved away from Lexa every once in a while to check what Abby was doing, the doctor seemed to be very focused on the Commander’s pulse as she rarely moved her hand away from Lexa’s wrist and she often used her stethoscope to listen to the Commander’s heart and lungs.

“Raven…” Lexa whispered, her eyes were half-closed and her lips were completely white. Raven was horrified, she squeezed the Commander’s cold hand in hopes the Commander would squeeze back, she did, and Raven was sure she was squeezing as hard as she could. “Mo...chof.” 

Raven’s eyes watered once again and this time she couldn’t keep her tears from falling.

“You have nothing to thank me for, you are going to be just fine,” Raven insisted, and the smile Lexa gave her made chills run down her spine.

“Commanders… die… und-”

“You are not dying anywhere!” Raven snapped. “You promised me you would stay awake.”

“I… will die… with a… friend…” Lexa’s voice shook on the last words, her eyes seemed to glow as they looked into Raven’s and squeezed her hand. A sob burst past Raven’s throat as she saw those same eyes glaze over and go unfocused, the omega’s heart nearly stopped as she felt Lexa’s hold around her hand go slack.

“Bellamy, stop the rover!” Abby shouted as she started moving around the back of the rover, looking for something. The rover stopped at once and Raven looked at her with wide eyes.

“What are you doing?! We are almost there!” Raven said, her voice desperate and afraid as she looked down at Lexa’s pale face and unfocused eyes.

“She won’t make it any longer if I don’t do this, Raven,” Abby said, using her forefinger and her middle finger to press around on Lexa’s chest. Raven didn’t know what she was looking for but she seemed to find it because she suddenly was cleaning that spot with some alcohol and taking out the biggest needle Raven had seen in her life. “The arrow must have penetrated the pericardium, the sac around the heart, it is filling with blood and not letting her heart pump blood properly. It doesn’t matter how much oxygen I give her if her heart can’t pump it to the rest of her body so I need to get the blood out. She needs surgery because the sac will keep filling up with blood until I fix the damage inside, but I need the OR for that, in the meantime, I can only drain some of it and relieve some of the pressure and hope that’s enough to make it to the camp in time,” Abby said as she slowly inserted the needle and started pushing it inside.

“Why didn’t you just do that before we got in the rover?!” Raven said angrily.

“Because I would have liked to do this with an EKG machine so I could confirm my diagnosis and so I could see where exactly the needle is going right now!” Abby snapped not moving her eyes from what she was doing.

“You are not sure?!” Raven shouted, almost mad with panic as she watched Abby take out the plunger of the syringe, a rush of blood followed and a moment later, Lexa gasped.

“Better, Heda?” Abby asked, not moving her eyes away from her patient, feeling her own heart calm as Lexa gave her a small nod. Before, she had been feeling unbearable amounts of pressure and pain in her chest, but after Doctor Griffin’s procedure the pressure had been eased and she could breathe a little bit better.

“Good, we are almost back at camp, just hold on a little bit longer,” Abby said and Lexa nodded, her eyes fluttering closed as the rover started moving again.

“Hey, Lexa!” Raven said, gently patting the Commander’s cheek once again. Lexa’s eyes fluttered open. 

“I’m… tired…” The Commander admitted, and Raven knew, she could see the exhaustion in every labored breath she took. Raven caressed her forehead with her thumb, being careful to avoid the cut running above her eyebrow.

“I know, I promise I will let you rest once we are back at camp. Remember, I will be afraid if you close your eyes,” Raven said, and Lexa’s lips tilted down, her eyes shining with concern as she squeezed Raven’s hand.

The Mechanic continued to reassure the Commander, telling her that she would be okay, that she would be safe over and over again until they made it to Arkadia. Then, they had rushed to the med bay, where Jackson already had the OR ready for Abby. Raven got to stay and hold Lexa’s hand as they put her under and intubated her, she was the last face Lexa saw and after that the OR’s doors closed in her face and the waiting started.

………………….

Octavia gently placed her hands on Raven’s shoulders and pushed her slowly towards her room. When they went in Octavia doubted her decision had been the right one, for the Commander’s scent was thick in the air, strong and powerful, like the person who bared it. The young warrior knew then that just the night before the Commander and Raven had been together, no doubt the Mechanic was so shaken.

“Why don’t we go wash a bit?” Octavia whispered and Raven nodded, they walked towards the bathroom and stood together in front of the sink, placing their hands under the flow of water, their hands and forehands were stained with black, Octavia’s a little worse than Raven’s. Soon enough their hands were completely clean, but Octavia after fighting the bandits was still dirty and a little bruised.

“Do you mind if I take off my armor here?” Octavia said, feeling like it was a little hard to breathe with the weight of the armor on her shoulders. Raven gave her a nod and a moment later Octavia was standing in just a thin undershirt and leather pants.

Raven sat on the bed and took off her jacket, not caring that Octavia would see the marks Lexa had leftover her neck and collarbones. The young warrior sat beside her and Raven frowned, something was wrong, she could smell it on Octavia’s scent, see it in the hesitance in which she moved her body.

“What is it, O?” Raven asked, turning to look at her friend.

“I need to tell you something. Before I wouldn’t be telling you this because I would assume it is none of your business but I can see you are worried and scared, maybe spending so much time in her bed has gotten you to care, or I don’t know, I just think you need to know.” Octavia said and Raven frowned.

“Tell me,” Raven watched as Octavia took a deep breath and let it out shakily.

“That arrow wasn’t meant to hit her. All of us, we were fighting many bandits at once, they outnumbered us so when the arrows started coming I couldn’t move, not if I didn’t want to catch a blade. She saw what was going to happen and she put herself in front of me, when the arrow hit her it pushed her back, her body fell towards me and the bandits I was fighting against, I tried to catch her but another one of them came towards me and I had to move away, we were close to the edge so she fell down. I couldn’t stop it and I don’t understand why she did it.”

Raven stayed in silence, processing, and Octavia gave her as much time as her patience allowed her to.

“Rae?”

“It’s fine, she chose to dive in front of that arrow, that isn’t on you,” Raven said at last, though her eyes were still glued to the wall in front of her.

“Are you sure this thing you have with her is just sex?” Octavia asked, tentative, not wanting to upset the other omega.

“I am not in love with her, you just can’t spend so much time with someone and not connect somehow. I feel like I know her and she knows me, so I guess you could say we are friends,” Raven said, standing up from the bed and not giving Octavia a second glance as she walked towards the door. “I am gonna go and try to get an update.”

“Sure,” Octavia whispered, even if Raven wasn’t there to hear her.

……………………..

When Raven made it to the medbay she found it full of the injured warriors that been hurt during the fight with the bandits. They were being treated by a mix of grounder healers and Abby’s nurses and doctors in training, one of them was Clarke. The rest of Abby’s small team was inside with her trying to save the Commander. 

Raven sighed, knowing that the people around wouldn’t be able to tell her anything and decided to lay down on one of the empty beds, trying not to worry too much even if the task seemed impossible.

“It is a good sign that they are taking so long,” Clarke said after a few hours of working with the injured gona. She watched as Raven lay down on the bed, she watched her pace around, she watched her spin in Abby’s chair…

“Is it?” Raven asked, knowing that talking about the Commander with Clarke was entering dangerous territory.

“Yeah, means she is not dead yet. With wounds like that people deteriorate quickly, die fast, if mom hadn’t drained some of the blood she wouldn’t have made it here.” Clarke said, taking off her latex gloves and throwing them in the trash as she walked towards Raven.

“She fell down a rocky incline with an arrow sticking out of her chest, it would be stupid to think the fall didn't make the wound worse, didn’t move the arrow and caused further damage,” Raven said and Clarke nodded.

“They are fixing it. If it was an impossible task or a lost cause my mother wouldn’t be wasting supplies on her. My mother is good and she will make it,” the blonde said and Raven nodded, letting out a shuddering breath. “I have a hard time understanding why do you care, most of the pain you have felt has been caused by her and you know it.” 

“It isn’t that simple, Clarke,” Raven said, sitting down and resting her hands against her knees. “She wasn’t the one who framed me, she didn’t force Finn to kill those elders and children, and she certainly didn’t drill into my leg. Things might have been different if she had stayed, but the truth is she only did what she thought was right and I am in no position to judge her for that.”

“She will stab you in the back as soon as it is convenient to her and you know it,” Clarke insisted, her face sporting a mix of annoyance and anger.

“She doesn’t have any reason to betray us now, she made sure of that, so I will take the risk,” Raven said and Clarke shook her head, looking away from Raven and towards the OR doors. “You care about her too, you can’t deny it.”

“I do,” Clarke said. “But I don’t want to, and that makes all the difference.” 

With those last words the blonde left the medbay, leaving Raven alone with her thoughts.

…………….

Several hours later Abby finally made it out of the OR room, looking completely worn, like in the last few hours she had aged 10 years. Raven was on her feet in an instant and walking towards the doctor.

“Did she make it?” Raven asked at once and Abby put a hand on her shoulder as she nodded her head. Raven felt so relieved she thought she might pass out from it alone.

“She is weak, the arrow made some significant damage to her heart but I was able to repair it, now we need to give her time to rest, open heart surgery is never easy to deal with for the body, but she is young and strong, we still have to look out for complications but I believe she will recover fully eventually.”

Raven let out a heavy breath, feeling some of the tension that had been accumulating leave her shoulders.

“You may come and see her if you want, she won’t be awake, but seeing her may calm your worry,” Abby said, giving Raven a knowing look.

“Oh,” Raven said, as she walked with Abby towards the Commander’s room. “You know too.”

They entered the room and Raven’s train of thought escaped from her. Lexa was lying lifelessly on the hospital bed, looking small and vulnerable under the harsh artificial lights. Her head was wrapped up in a bandage and there was a line of stitches sitting above one of her eyebrows, her right cheek and the right side of her jaw were deeply bruised just like Raven had suspected they would be. Raven couldn’t see her chest, abdomen, and right thigh but she knew they must have been bandaged too, even more so when there were quite a few tubes and cables coming from beneath the blankets. Her left arm was in a sling and the wrist and hand on the same side were bandaged. The rest of the skin the omega could see was covered in bruises and scratches.

“Her scent is covering you like a blanket, Raven,” Abby said and it took the Mechanic a second to figure out what she was talking about. “I figured your relationship with her must have been sexual at least, your concern tells me that there must be something else, though.”

Raven was so tired of having that conversation. She decided not to say anything and simply sat down by Lexa’s side. Abby seemed to understand that the omega was not in the mood to have any kind of conversation and moved out of the room.

……………………….

Sound filtered in first, slowly. She felt like her head was underwater, voices came and went and she could not decipher what they meant.

She could only feel one thing. Not pain, not her hair brushing the back of her neck or her chest expand with every breath, no. She could feel a touch, a caress, gentle, and soft on the back of her hand, a simple brush of skin on skin. In the void of sensation that simple caress was magnified and Lexa focused on it to keep her mind from spinning.

Much later, years, days, or mere hours the Commander felt something else. Her lids pulled back and led through blinding light, she would have liked to avoid it but she couldn’t make her head move, so she settled for letting her eyelids fall over her eyes once again.

“Lex...Lexa…… Can you… open them….eyes…. open…. me… for me….” Sound started flowing in again, Lexa knew she was hearing words but she could make sense of them, without her consent her eyes opened again and instead of blinding light she was met with a blurry face.

“Hey Heda, how are you feeling?” Someone asked. Lexa saw the mouth floating above her moving, but she still couldn’t understand the words, couldn’t connect the sounds to the meaning, so she continued to look as the face became clearer.

Bronzed skin and warm brown eyes, they were deep and dark and for a second Lexa could swear she was falling into their depths, she would have continued to look into them if the person hadn’t moved, forcing Lexa’s eyes to fall onto their mouths.

Pearly white teeth and plump lips, they looked pretty and smooth, so very soft. Lexa was entranced, perplexed at seeing such a beautiful being right in front of her face.

“Pretty,” Lexa mumbled, not really knowing she was speaking at all. Raven was almost startled, a blush jumped onto her cheeks.

“What?” Raven said, not really knowing what else to say. Lexa with her green eyes was giving her a really intense look that the omega didn’t know how to deal with.

“Meizen,” Lexa said then, and Raven frowned a little not knowing what it meant.

Abby then pushed Raven a little out of the way, shining a light into Lexa’s eyes, the alpha grimaced and groaned but was unable to look away. Abby quickly checked everything else and nodded to herself.

“Is she okay?” Raven asked and Abby gave her a nod.

“Yes, she is just coming off of the meds, at least she won’t remember how the removal of the breathing tube felt. She will probably continue to be in and out of sleep until she is completely conscious, keep in mind that she is concussed as well and that she went through hours of surgery so give her some time, don’t get impatient,” Abby said, giving Raven a calming look. “She woke up from the anesthesia earlier than expected and she might feel some discomfort once she truly awakens so feel free to page me so I can give her something for the pain, it will be a slow recovery.”

“Does that mean that she will have to stay here?” Raven asked.

“Of course, she can’t leave my sight for the next month at least, not with a surgery this invasive. The complications risks are high and if she is too far away and something goes wrong no one will be able to help her. She will only be able to get out of bed after 2 weeks, 3 if I get my way. And she will only start feeling more normal after 6 to 8 weeks. She can’t travel, much less by horse, even traveling in the rover will be painful because of the uneven surface.” Abby said, speaking as if the idea of Lexa leaving was ridiculous.

Raven instantly started to worry, she didn’t know if the grounders would allow that.

“You know they won’t let her stay here for 2 months to recover,” Raven said, and Abby looked at her looking like she was ready to fight anyone that came to take the Commander away.

“This is open-heart surgery, Raven. I had to perform a thoracotomy, I cracked her chest, I cut through layers of muscle and pulled her ribs apart and then I had to repair the damage inside, the pain that comes after a surgery like that it’s so intense it may not let her breathe properly and that alone will lead to complications. She might even suffer from chronic pain for years… She can’t leave, I won’t allow it, doing something like that would be the same as killing her,” Abby said and Raven sighed, looking down at Lexa while she held her hand.

“Maybe the season will help, I imagine it is harder to travel in winter,” Raven said and Abby nodded.

“Feel free to page me, I will be in my office.”

………………….

Lexa fell in and out of sleep for the next few hours, every time she would wake up and talk for a few minutes with Raven before falling back under. Raven couldn’t believe how attuned Lexa was with her, because all the Commander did was squeeze her hand and tell her to not be scared.

“Raven…” The Commander whispered her head lolling weakly towards the omega.

The Mechanic, who had kind of been dozing off on her chair straightened at once, noticing that the Commander’s eyes looked much more clearer than before.

“Hey Heda, how are you feeling? Are you in any pain?” Raven asked, keeping her voice quiet.

“Dizzy. No, I can’t feel anything,” Lexa said with a small frown as she looked down at herself. Her head felt really heavy, she couldn’t lift it so she couldn’t see much.

“Abby is giving you the good stuff, she will make sure you feel little to no pain during your recovery, okay?” Raven asked, reaching out with her free hand to cup the side of Lexa’s face.

The Commander nodded, letting out a little hum as she turned her head to the side and nuzzled her nose against Raven’s palm.

“I am happy to see you again,” The Commander said, pressing a kiss to Raven’s palm.

“I said you would be okay, remember?” Raven said and Lexa nodded.

“It would have been a good death, with you by my side,” Lexa said slowly, her green eyes looking into Raven’s.

“I told you that I would kill you if you got hurt, did you think I was kidding? You put yourself in front of an arrow, you promised you would try to be safe,” Raven said, her worry giving away to anger.

“I did, no blade touched my body until that arrow pierced my chest….. She is your friend, she has people to come back to……. I couldn’t let her die, many of my people would have been hurt by her demise……. I couldn’t allow it,” Lexa said slowly, her words taking much longer to get out, the spaces in between sentences big and noticeable.

“You have people to come back to as well, a whole nation,” Raven said.

“Would you have really preferred Octavia to be in my place?” Lexa said and Raven’s blood froze in her veins.

“It’s not about that. O is my friend and I want her to be safe, that doesn’t stop me from wanting you to be safe as well, from wanting you to value your life,” Raven insisted, trying to make Lexa understand.

“I thought my decision would make you happy,” Lexa said, her eyes closing for a few seconds before lifting heavily once again. “I couldn’t save you pain before, but this time I could…” She whispered. “Aden is ready…”

Raven looked down at her, her eyes wet and her chest tight with emotion. The Commander looked so tired, so exhausted, Raven caressed the top of her head, brushing her thumb gently over the alpha’s forehead while being careful to avoid the stitches above her eyebrow.

“I wanted you to be happy,” Lexa whispered, her eyes wide and big and hazy with medications, her hand gently squeezing Raven’s.

“I don’t care Aden is ready. You are my friend, I want to know your favorite color, your favorite animal, your favorite food. I want us to get to know each other better and I can do that if you go around without caring about your life. So please, just try to be safe in the future and try to get better now. Do what Abby tells you to and don’t refuse medication,” Raven whispered, looking down worriedly at the Commander’s mangled body. “Are you sure you aren’t in any pain?”

Lexa’s lips turned up into a loopy smile.

“I really can’t feel anything. Do not worry.” Lexa said, her hand squeezing Raven’s once again. It felt rough, callused, and scarred from years of fighting wars, but their hold was still very soft.

“I am sure Abby will do her best to keep it that way, pain management is really important for your recovery, promise me you won’t be an ass and try to deny it,” Raven said, watching as Lexa smiled again, amused.

“I won’t refuse pain medication, I promise.”

“Good,” Raven said, tugging up the sheets that covered the Commander’s body and tucking them under her chin. “Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?” Raven asked after she saw Lexa’s eyes fall closed, every time she did that flashes of her pale face and her white lips filtered in Raven’s mind, and for countless seconds she heard her saying goodbye, thanking her for being there. The memory chilled Raven’s bones and she wanted nothing but to get it out of her head.

Lexa’s eyes blinked open, they were glazed and tired as they focused back on Raven. 

“Forgive me, did you say something?” Lexa asked and Raven felt selfish for keeping her awake and relieved for seeing her talk and look at her.

“Do you need anything?” Raven asked and Lexa’s loose hold around her hand seemed to tighten again.

“No, I would like you to stay, if that’s not too much to ask. I know you are busy,” Lexa said, watching with hazy eyes as Raven stood up and took off her jacket, she rounded the bed to lie down on the side with no cables or tubes right next to the Commander, if she moved one inch backward she would probably fall off so she was careful to press herself close to the Commander without hurting her.

“I knew all you wanted was to have me in your bed,” Raven said, teasing.

The Commander frowned as she tried to get up.

“Raven, I didn´t-” Lexa was cut off by Raven’s hand pressed against her good shoulder and pushing her back down gently.

“Relax, I was only kidding. I didn’t mean it,” Raven said, but the frown didn’t quite leave the Commander’s face. “Really,” Raven said with a smile as she smoothed the Commander’s frown with her fingers.

Lexa hummed, her head lolling towards Raven’s side of the bed while her eyes fell shut. Raven rested her head on the pillow as well, leaving their faces just inches apart.

“It would have been a good death,” Lexa whispered after a couple of minutes of silence. “With you by my side.”

“But it didn’t happen, and you are going to be just fine,” Raven insisted, wanting Lexa to shut up about dying for just two seconds.

“The Doctor said I am not safe yet, that my heart is damaged-”

“She fixed it, your heart is going to be fine,” Raven answered at once. Lexa opened her eyes and looked into Raven’s, her gaze tender and soft. “You owe me to get better physically, okay? You must do everything you can to get out of this,” Raven said and the fear in her tone made Lexa give in.

“I will do my best, I promise,” Lexa whispered, feeling so very exhausted, but she was happy, content with being right there, with Raven. “Thank you,” Lexa whispered, moving her head just an inch to the side so her forehead would press against Raven’s.

“You have nothing to thank me for,” Raven said, caressing Lexa’s cheek with as much gentleness as she could muster. “Sleep.”

………..

The healing process was long and painful, but after a month under Abby’s and Raven’s watchful eyes, the Commander was walking with only a slight limp. It took her much longer to get exhausted and her heart was as good as it could be. Still, there were many things she could not do, like lift things or use her arms too much in fear of pulling at the incision site in the middle of her chest. She was nowhere near 100%, but she no longer was in enough danger to remain in Arkadia. The pressure from Polis was becoming suffocating and the Commander could no longer stay away from them.

“You are not healed enough,” Raven said petulantly as she threw the Commander’s clothes in her traveling sac. Lexa could only watch as Raven continued picking up item after item and threw them violently inside the bag.

“Raven.”

“You can’t even bend over without pain. They fucking cracked your chest open and now you are expected to go back to Polis and sit all day watching all your stupid ambassadors squabbling like children over petty things? Un-fucking-believable.”

“Raven,” Lexa tried again, but the omega only kept talking and throwing things into the Commander’s bag.

“What if something happens to your heart and you are over there? Huh? What then? Will your healers treat you with their useless salves or what? You are expected to travel two days, with the risk of someone attacking you and killing you before you even make it to Polis.”

“Raven.”

“And if you don’t leave, then they are going to see it as weakness, like the idiots they are, and they are going to vote for your execution. Could they be more stupid-“ Raven was suddenly cut off by the press of the Commander’s soft lips against hers. 

The taste of alpha on her tongue and the feel of the Commander’s strong hands on her waist made her eyes roll back in her head. Raven sighed into the kiss, her eyes fluttering closed as she parted her mouth to welcome Lexa’s tongue, it brushed against her own gently, teasingly and when it lightly flicked against the roof of her mouth the omega couldn’t help but moan into the kiss. Lexa then nipped her bottom lip with her teeth and traveled down her neck, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses all over the omega’s skin.

“Oh my God, why don’t you shut me up more often?” Raven said, heat pooling in her gut. She couldn’t believe she had gotten so aroused by a kiss alone.

“I believe it to be impolite,” Lexa whispered, her voice husky and low before she took the omega’s mouth with her own once again. “Everything is going to be okay,” Lexa whispered against Raven’s lips, barely pulling away at all.

“We need to stop, we can’t do this, not now,” Raven said, trying to ignore the heat in her gut. Lexa was not recovered enough for any kind of strenuous activity. She wasn’t healthy enough to leave Arkadia, but her people wouldn’t let her stay in Arkadia to recover further, not when she wasn’t dying anymore. 

“Forgive me, I just don’t want you to worry,” The Commander said and Raven had to admit that she didn’t feel as agitated and angry after the kiss.

“I will worry anyway, which is why you will use the radio and reach out to me until you are safely back in your Tower. Promise me that you will do everything Abby told you to, you cannot go back to full training, you can’t lift things, push them, pull them, you can’t stay on your feet for hours, I know you are better now but you still need to rest and take care of yourself. Take your medication as well, I know you don’t like taking pills, but you need to. Promise me.”

“I promise,” Lexa said, her eyes awfully soft as they looked into Raven. She had already thanked Raven for all the help, but she couldn’t stop herself from doing it again. “Thank you Raven, truly. I am not sure I would have been able to do this without you.”

“You would have,” Raven said with a smile. “You have been doing it for years.”

“This time it was different, I believe I died, at least for a moment,” Lexa said and a very sour taste settled in Raven’s mouth, bile rushing up from her stomach. She knew that the surgery had been complicated and Abby had almost lost the Commander, that she almost couldn’t bring her back.

“You haven’t mentioned any of this before,” Raven said, moving Lexa towards the bed, asking her to sit down.

“It just isn’t something you say, especially because I am not sure it was real,” the Commander said and Raven frowned in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“I remember the fight, being hit by the arrow, falling down the incline, being pulled out the river. I remember Doctor Griffin treating me, I remember the pain and I remember you. You asked me to resist, to not fall asleep and I tried, I swear to you I tried,” Lexa said, looking away as she remembered that at some point after being loaded to the Rover, she had been unable to keep her eyes open for Raven.

“Hey, hey, it’s fine, I know you did. You were hurt, I know you did all you could,” Raven said, reaching out to cup Lexa’s chin with her fingers, making the Commander turn her head so their eyes could meet.

“Raven, I don’t know if it was a hallucination from the drugs, or something related to the concussion, but I believe to have woken up somewhere else before I woke up in the medbay,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me. You don’t have to be ashamed,” Raven said, seeing that the Commander was hesitant to talk.

“When I woke up I was high up the Mountains. Anya would take me there to watch the wild horses run. She was there, so was Gustus and Costia. They told me that I have done everything to keep my people safe, that I have sacrificed everything and that they are now safe and flourishing, and that it was okay if I decided to go with them and rest.” Lexa looked away for a moment and then directed her gaze back to Raven. “I think I could have decided to go with them.”

Raven swallowed hard, a chill running down her spine and sipping into her bones as she thought about the Commander, dead in the back of the rover, dead on Abby’s operating table. For some time now that thought had become a very real fear of hers.

“But I thought of you, how you asked me to stay. And I…” Lexa looked down for a moment, moving her hand to hold onto Raven’s. “I couldn’t leave. Not when I knew it would hurt you, not when I knew that I could save you that pain. I do not know... do not understand how you have come to care for me, not after all I’ve done, but I am grateful for it. I feel lucky and honored to have you, Raven. I needed you to know that before I left.”

Raven moved to wrap her arms around the other woman and pull her into her chest, keeping her from seeing the moisture in her eyes. Lexa curled her arms around the omega’s waist, hugging her back as gently as Raven was holding her. Lexa buried her head on the crook of Raven’s neck, nuzzling her nose against her soft skin as she felt Raven’s hands gently caress the back of her head, running careful hands over tight braids.

Raven then began to understand just how important she was to the Commander, how much their relationship meant to the other alpha. And right then she wondered when was the last time someone had cared for the young girl hiding under the war paint.

“I am glad you decided to stay,” Raven said, placing a kiss to the top of the Commander’s head. “We still have much to live together,” the omega said as she pulled back to smile at the alpha. “We will see each other soon enough, but in the meantime I expect you to keep me updated on how you are doing.”

“I will. I expect the same from you,” the Commander said as she stood up, Raven did the same and reached for the shoulder pauldron, looking warily at the Commander’s arm. Lexa was keeping it close to her body, she had gotten in a few sessions of physical therapy with Abby, but they weren’t enough.

“Are you sure you are okay to wear this thing?” Raven asked. The pauldron was heavy in her hands. She knew it offered Lexa’s shoulder some protection, but the joint was still sore after having being dislocated.

“I must,” Lexa said and Raven frowned, moving closer to put it on the Commander’s shoulder, not missing the grimace that flashed across the alpha’s face.

“I’ll just leave it a little loose, so it doesn’t press on the incision site on your chest,” Raven said as she buckled it up for Lexa. The Commander nodded in agreement, the wound in the middle of her chest bothered her the most out of all the others, Abby said it was normal and that it would get better with time, but the possibility of chronic pain was still something that worried them all. “There. All good?”

“Yes. Thank you,” Lexa said and suddenly someone was knocking at the door. “I must go now. Take care of yourself, Raven,” the Commander said, leaning in to place a short kiss to the omega’s cheek before leaving the room.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments!


	3. In Which Lexa Gives Raven a Horse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Posting something here so you guys know I'm not dead. I'm getting back into writting and the chapters for my main stories are in the works. I have put together these scenes so you can enjoy them while I keep working on the other stories.
> 
> Huge thanks to Cleo24 and Inspireme87 for helping me edit these pages. Your help is highly appreciated!!!! They both have great works of their own. Go check them out!!

For context: This would have happened somewhere in chapter 12 of To Build a Home. Raven is visiting Lexa in Polis after the death of one of her Nightbloods. Lexa wasn’t challenged but Raven still leaves Polis early for a different reason. It was taken out mostly because it was brought to my attention that Raven can’t ride horses without the pain in her leg and back getting worse. Hope you like it!!!

Three days later Raven was woken up before sunrise, before. She looked up at Lexa with an annoyed expression and tried to pull her back into bed. She loved Lexa’s bed, it was big and soft. The size didn’t really matter though, they always ended up curled up in a corner or in the middle.

“I have your favorite juice and a gift,” Lexa said and Raven opened one eye to stare at the alpha.

“Are you trying to manipulate me into getting up?” the omega asked and Lexa only gave her that lopsided smile of hers.

“No, I am only trying to ask nicely,” the alpha said. Raven sighed, pulling the furs up to cover her naked chest when a cool breeze caused her nipples to harden. When she looked up Lexa was looking back at her face, her gaze not moving down an inch. Raven would lie if she said she didn’t feel endeared by how respectful she was.

She accepted the juice and decided she would get up. She knew that Lexa was still sad about the death of her Nightblood. Nightmares had plagued her each night since the loss and the lack of sleep was starting to show on the alpha’s face.

“I will get up, but maybe you should try to sleep a little longer?” Raven said, but the Commander shook her head.

“I do not wish to sleep anymore. Have your juice then put on some clothes. We do not have much time,” Lexa said. Raven watched her change into leather pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a leather jacket.

“Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

“No. And I plan to leave without my guards taking notice. So, I would appreciate if you drank your juice quicker,” the Commander said. Raven almost spat out her drink in shock.

“We are sneaking out?” the omega asked, instantly excited.

“Have your juice and change, Raven,” the Commander said. The omega nodded, gulping down her juice and getting out of bed quickly so she could put on some clothes. Lexa then moved closer to her, kneeling in front of her so she could help her with her brace.

“Does it feel okay?” The alpha asked as she tightened the buckles. Raven could only nod quietly. Watching the most powerful alpha she had ever known kneeling before her was always a shocking sight. “Good.” The Commander said, straightening and pressing a kiss to Raven’s forehead. “Let’s go.”

Raven frowned when Lexa didn’t go towards the door. The alpha moved towards the bathroom instead and revealed a door.

“What is this?” Raven asked, barely able not to burst out of her skin in excitement.

“A secret passage, only the Nightbloods’ rooms have access to it as well. It leads to an underground tunnel that in turn will take us out and into the woods,” Lexa said. She took a torch that was by the door as she walked further inside the passage.

Raven felt instantly upset when she saw the countless steps that were in front of them.

“Worry not,” Lexa said as soon as she saw Raven’s face fall. “I had a makeshift lift built for you,” Lexa said, using the torch to show a wooden lift placed right beside the stairs. It was tiny and they would have to be really close together to be able to fit. The space they had didn’t allow for anything else.

The omega stepped inside with Lexa right behind her. The small lift shook slightly and Raven tensed. Lexa wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed her tight against her body.

“Don’t worry, I will keep you safe,” the Commander whispered in Raven’s ear. A moment later she was letting out a whistle and the lift started moving down slowly.

They made it down and as they exited the lift two young men stood there waiting for them. One of them held a torch while the other held a small basket out to them.

“Everything is ready, Heda,” one of them said and the Commander offered them both a smile.

“Thank you, now go back to your positions before someone notices you are absent, and if anyone asks about me…”

“We haven’t seen you, Heda,” they said, and the Commander nodded again.

The two men left and the Commander was left with Raven at the beginning of the tunnel.

“The walk is not short; would you like me to carry you?” Lexa offered and Raven frowned slightly.

“You sure about that?”

“Do you think me weak?” Lexa asked, a crease forming between her brows.

“Not at all, I just worry about this,” Raven said. She placed her palm flat on the middle of Lexa’s abdomen, where she knew the thick scars resided.

Lexa’s eyes softened in understanding, she moved closer to Raven and placed a hand on top of her own.

“It’s been a long time since I got sick and I’ve been working on getting back my upper body strength. There’s also the fact that you weight next to nothing,” Lexa said, but Raven still seemed unsure.

“If you are sure…”

“I am. I will carry you and you will carry the basket, come on,” Lexa said, crouching low so Raven could get on her back. The omega wrapped an arm around Lexa’s shoulders and with the other, she carried the basket. Lexa’s hands were strong and secure under her thighs.

Almost half an hour later, Lexa put Raven down so she could push aside a flat rock that served as the door of the tunnel. They walked outside and Raven noticed that the sun was starting to come out, bathing the sky in a soft, yellow light.

They walked a bit further until they reached a clearing. They found a horse tied to a tree; a stable boy was brushing his mane.

“Thank you, you may go back to the stables now,” Lexa said, moving towards the boy and giving him a gentle pat on the back.

Raven stared at the horse in front of her in slight awe. It was big but not bulky, appeared well built, and strong, and it was the most unique color Raven had ever seen. His head, mane, tail, and legs from below the knee were pitch black. But from the base of his neck, towards his back, and barrel, the black seemed to fade into a dark grey. The color lightened into a softer shade towards his hindquarters. He was the most beautiful animal Raven had ever seen.

“The lighter shade of gray on his hindquarters reminded me of the color of the machines you love to work on,” Lexa began. She moved closer to the horse and ran her hand over the horse’s shiny fur. “The black on his head, his mane, and on his legs reminded me of the oil stains I sometimes have found on your clothes and hands, and even your face,” Lexa said with a smile, running her hand over the horse’s black mane, soft as silk but also very thick under her fingertips. “And then there is this,” Lexa said, moving Raven towards the horse's head and showing her the white mark right in the middle of his forehead. “A white, star-shaped marking on his forehead. It made me think of the stories you have told me about the stars, about how much you love them, and about how you are my own star.”

There was a moment of silence, Raven could barely hear the sound of the wind over the wild beating of her heart.

“Last year on Ascension Day the leader of the Plain Riders came to me with five horses. He told me I could choose two for myself. It is not a secret that I have an affinity with these animals. Titus disapproves and says that I should treat them as the beasts they are, but I do not agree. The leader of the Plains had a sixth horse. This horse. I loved him as soon as I saw him,” Lexa paused, turning to look at Raven with soft green eyes. “I chose it first and the leader of the Plains told me that I shouldn’t pick him. That he was stunning but that he had a temper and that he no longer knew what to do with him. His best trainers had tried to tame him and failed. He had brought him along for the trip, hoping to trade him for another horse, but no one wanted him because he could get violent and people got hurt. He didn’t want to embarrass himself by giving me such a horse, but I insisted. I had never seen any animal as beautiful as this and I knew they would put him down if they couldn’t find him a home. In the end, the owner relented and I chose him and another horse who is also stunning. All black in color with a similar marking on his forehead, but better-tempered, obedient, and already vastly trained. For the past months, I have worked with him in every spare moment, day and night. It helped me with you being so far away, and it was hard, but with time I was able to get him to cooperate with me. I trained him to the best of my ability, taught him all the commands I could think of, showed him that he could trust me and that he would not be hurt. He is young, he has much to give and I am sure he will serve you well.”

Raven was shocked. Because of the story of the horse and because she didn’t think she had ever heard Lexa say so many things at once.

“Me? But you love him, you worked really hard on him, why don’t you keep him?” Raven asked, seeing that Lexa clearly loved the horse.

“I do love him and I think he is the most stunning horse I have ever seen. Which is exactly why I want you to have him. I only want the best for you, Raven. The only reason why I took him in was that he made me think of you. Do you not like him?” Lexa asked, sounding slightly worried.

“No! No! I mean, yes! I love him. He is beautiful,” Raven said, looking at the horse before turning her head to look at Lexa. “I just wouldn’t want you to miss out on him.”

“I won’t. I want you to have him.” Lexa said and Raven smiled up at her, she could feel her insides turning into mush.

“Thank you, really,” Raven said, curling her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and hugging her close. The alpha responded in kind, sighing in contentment as she let herself sink into Raven’s arms. “I will need a lot of help though; I have never touched a horse in my life.”

“I will teach you everything you need to know and I will make sure you have everything you need to care for him. Arkadia already has a couple of horses and I made sure they had a spot for him in the stables. That will make things easier,” Lexa said and Raven nodded.

“What’s his name?” Raven asked.

“I haven’t named him, I wanted you to give him a name of your choosing,” Lexa said, and Raven stopped to think for a few minutes.

“What do you think about Hunter?” She asked, sounding excited. “After the Orion constellation, that’s-”

“The first one you showed me, I remember,” Lexa said, with that small lopsided smile of hers. “I know, I had a similar thought and named my own horse Orion.”

“Really?” Raven said, her smile widening. “It’s settled then. His name is Hunter. That’s so cool, our horses are basically named the same. Thank you, Lex! You’re so good to me. I promise you I will take great care of him.”

“I know you will,” Lexa said. “Let’s start with the basics and go from there, okay?”

“Sure,” Raven said as she looked nervously at the animal in front of her; being stuck up on the Ark, she had never really dealt with an animal in her life.

“Are you scared?” Lexa asked, placing a comforting hand on Raven’s back.

“A little.”

“Don’t worry, he was difficult before, but he is different now. He is a good boy,” Lexa said, affectionately running her hand over the horse’s mane.

“Okay, let’s do this then.”

……………………………………………

Raven knew Lexa was different with her, she knew it, but it just wasn’t something she stopped to think about. When they were together usually in Arkadia, they spent most of that time on their own, in private, where no one else could see who Lexa was when she was with her. And the past few times Raven had been in Polis, her stay had been very brief, only a couple of days long and her time with the Commander would often be cut short by the alpha’s duties. But on this particular trip, with the passing of the days, Raven was able to see the difference, to watch Lexa transform in front of her very eyes.

It was everything but subtle, to her anyway. Particularly after seeing the Commander at her most vulnerable, in her rawest, purest form. The first few days it had been weird, unfamiliar, it reminded Raven of her first few months on the ground, when everything between the sky people and the grounders was just a complete mess. Lexa had been hard as a stone, her face devoid of expression, her scent clean and emotionless, her eyes completely empty. Raven remembers her clearly. How the set of her jaw had been firm, how her posture had been permanently straight and unwavering, how her sole, quiet presence had filled entire rooms without effort. Raven remembered looking at her and feeling cold inside. The Commander seemed to lack everything that made people human and at the same time that had made it easy to hate her. Raven hadn’t really seen her as a person then, and it had made everything easier. The burning desire she had had to kill the Commander after Finn was easy to fuel when she just saw her as a soulless person.

But now things were different, now Raven didn’t see Lexa that way anymore. She had been so wrong about her back then, and it had all started way before she even shared words with the Commander. Before she had figured out that the gifts Clarke was getting back then, and was still receiving even now, were from her. It all started with Finn’s death and how the Commander hadn’t called for blood when Clarke had killed him quickly, preventing the grounders from following their traditions. It had started even before that when the Commander had only called for Finn’s death instead of 18.

Raven had been too angry and hurt to see it back then, but now that it had been some time and she had gotten to know Lexa better, she couldn’t believe how wrong she’d been.

In Polis it was hard. Things were difficult for them because there was always someone watching them. Titus, the advisors, generals, ambassadors, and the gonas that protected the Heda and followed her everywhere were always around. They were always watching and judging, causing Lexa to go quiet and cold, hardening and turning into solid steel. The softness in her gaze would vanish as would the gentle tones of her voice. She would speak in short, direct sentences that always felt like slaps. Her gaze would be heavy, loaded with power, daring anyone to go against her. Even her scent, the one Raven loved so much, the one she constantly looked forward to feeling, would be stronger, more present. A statement of alpha dominance. As Commander, in Polis and everywhere else, Lexa was the alpha of all alphas. She left no doubt of that with how she carried herself and the way her scent surrounded her. It was measured, controlled, and as intoxicating as it always had been. But it also carried a warning, and everyone who so much as breathed around her knew what it meant.

When they were in public Raven would also be subjected to all of this. To this cold and detached version of Lexa, so different from the woman that held her at night, from the woman that fell asleep as Raven told her about the stars. The woman that was teaching her how to ride a horse patiently, with gentleness and kindness. The woman that would always help her through her nightmares and would listen to Raven talk about all the things she was working on, even if she had no idea what she was saying. The woman that with every action and every word made Raven feel as if she was the most precious being on earth.

The woman that held her like she couldn’t bear the thought of ever letting go.

Raven couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be, to make that transformation each and every day. She couldn’t imagine what it did to Lexa’s heart, how much it must wear it down.

She couldn’t even think about how it must have been before, when Lexa had no one, and she was forced to only be the Commander, not having anyone to share Lexa with. The thought brought tears to Raven’s eyes, a strong shiver running down her spine and causing her to shudder. Lexa was woken up by the sudden movement.

The alpha hummed sleepily, feeling Raven tremble against her. Raven didn’t know how to stop it, didn’t know how to deal with everything she was feeling.

“You are cold,” The alpha whispered, her warm breath washing over the omega’s sensitive neck. She moved her arm away from Raven’s stomach for a moment and reached down for the furs, grabbing them and pulling them up until they were tucked below Raven’s chin.

Raven felt Lexa bury her face against her neck and wrap her arm around her body once more, getting ready to get back to sleep. But when the alpha breathed in, Raven knew that she would notice something in her scent wasn’t quite right, Lexa always noticed. Raven knew most alphas would just let it go and go back to sleep, but Lexa was not like most alphas.

“Raven? What is wrong? Did you have a bad dream?” Lexa asked, propping herself up on her elbow so she could look down at her.

The omega hesitated before rolling onto her back, bringing her face to face with the Commander.

“No,” Raven said, reaching out with her hand to brush her thumb over the alpha’s cheek. “I was just thinking.”

Lexa frowned slightly, looking down at Raven as she carefully studied her face.

“You are sad,” Lexa said, leaving no space for anything other than honesty. “What is it? Do you miss home?” Lexa asked, concern clouding her tone. “I can arrange your return; you do not have to stay until my birthday. Or come back for my birthday, your time here already has been the best gift.”

“No, no,” Raven said, frowning as she shook her head. She placed her hand on Lexa’s arm, rubbing it gently, trying to reassure her. “It is nothing like that. I was thinking about you.”

“Thinking about me made you sad?” Lexa said, not quite a statement, not quite a question. The furrow of her brow deepened before realization seemed to strike and her whole expression seemed to fall dejectedly. “This is about Finn.”

“No,” Raven said at once, but the expression on Lexa’s face didn’t change.

“The Mountain.”

“No, no, no,” Raven said, sitting up and cupping Lexa’s cheeks with her hands, looking into her eyes as she tried to reassure her. “It is nothing like that, I promise,” Raven said, but Lexa continued to look unsure.

“What is it? How do I fix it?”

“That’s the thing, it can’t be fixed and I hate it,” Raven said and Lexa frowned once more. She reached for Raven’s hand and kissed the back of it.

“I’ll find a way,” Lexa said strongly, sounding completely sure. “Just tell me what it is,” she said and Raven could do nothing but look back at her with a sad smile. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Lexa’s, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. Lexa placed a hand on her back, rubbing comforting circles.

“You were on your own for three years, almost four now. Costia died and you were left all on your own, surrounded by people who expected you to act a certain way and who would judge you and think you weak if you acted differently. For years you couldn’t be you, you were only the Commander. You put your armor on every day and faced whatever you needed to face, and every night you had to deal with it all on your own.” Raven said, looking into Lexa’s light eyes as she continued speaking. “I see it every day, I see how you put the weight of the world on your shoulders and how you carry it without letting yourself break along the way…”

“Raven…” Lexa tried to say, seeing that the omega was getting progressively more upset.

“There was no one here to help you breathe. There was no one here to remind you that you are human too. That you need others like everyone else does, that you need love and care. There was no one, Lex,” Raven said, her eyes watering as she brushed her thumbs over the Commander’s cheeks.

Lexa held onto her wrist and brought Raven’s freehand up to her lips, kissing it gently.

“You are here now,” Lexa said, her eyes not moving away from Raven’s.

“That doesn’t make up for the three years you were on your own.”

“Yes, it does,” Lexa said, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth as she gently moved her hand to the side of Raven’s neck and further, holding gently onto the back of it. “I wouldn’t be as appreciative of having you if I didn’t know how it feels to have no one. This feeling in my chest, this warmth, it wouldn’t be as strong if I hadn’t been so cold before. Yes, I was on my own for a long time. I was doing my best for my people and waiting until my fight was over, but now none of that matters because soon I hope to have more than three years with you. This, what we have, what you have given me, it is worth every single hardship I have ever faced. I would go through everything again; I would go through worse if that meant that I would get to see you smile at me. If that meant I would get to hear you talk to me over the radio, and hear you laughing on Hunter’s back…” The Commander smiled, leaning in to rest her forehead against Raven’s.

Tears were streaming down Raven’s cheeks, her heart raced as her skin was flooded with goosebumps. She could barely breathe with how full her chest felt, she could barely breathe with the look the Commander was giving her.

“Please,” Lexa whispered softly, her voice soothing in Raven's ears. “Don’t think about the past or be saddened by it. We have now, we have tomorrow… I have never wanted to live as much as I do since you became a part of my life. Since you helped me see that there is more to me than my duty. I truly believe you were put in my path as a gift, to make me see that there is a reason for everything and to give purpose to my actions, a personal one. I will build a world in which you can be happy and safe. And if I die trying, then I will know that my death has meaning, not just for the Spirit, or for my people, but for me.”

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, her voice raw with emotion.

They were left chest to chest, with Raven placed just slightly higher. She curled her arms around the Commander’s neck, looking down at her with feelings she couldn’t put into words.

“That’s true, I am not sad, but when you say things like that it really makes me want to kiss you,” Raven said and once again Lexa looked up at her with a small smile.

“Kiss me, Raven of the Sky People,” Lexa whispered and Raven had no reason to deny. She let her lips meet the Commander’s in a gentle kiss, chaste and pure, only deepening it when she felt the alpha’s mouth part under her own. Raven couldn’t help but hum against the other woman’s mouth, her arms tightened around the Commander’s neck, as she felt the alpha’s arms wrap around her back and do the same, leaving their bodies pressed together as one.

They didn’t pull back until Raven was dizzy for air, and then, like they couldn’t get enough, their lips continued to meet in between small gulps of oxygen. Lexa let herself fall back against the pillows as Raven remained sitting securely on her hips, leaning over her body as they continued to gently kiss.

They didn’t know how long they remained like that, but by the time they did stop, an orange glow was starting to filter in through the balcony.

Raven looked up, surprised, and realized that she hadn’t let Lexa sleep. She could stay in bed all day if she wanted, but the Commander needed to go train and then take care of her never-ending duties.

“Shit, fuck, shit, I’m sorry,” Raven murmured against her lips. “You are gonna be so tired. I swear I’d throw myself out the window if I had to deal with Titus without having slept.” The Commander laughed quietly, it was breathy and sweet, and Raven felt her insides melt. She couldn’t stop herself from letting out an embarrassing yelp when the Commander rolled them over. Her back-ended pressed flat against the furs, the Heda hovering above her.

“Your manner of speech is rather amusing,” the Heda said. “And do not worry about Titus, I will deal with him,” the Commander said as she rolled off of Raven and pulled the furs up to the omega’s shoulders. “Go back to sleep, I will come to see you as soon as I can.”

“Why don’t you stay here for a little bit longer?” Raven asked, her mouth turning into a pout.

“I would if I could, you know that,” Lexa said, leaning down to place a kiss on Raven’s forehead. “Sleep.”

Raven whined in discontent and buried her face on the furs, turning away from Lexa.

“Don’t be like that,” Lexa said. “I will join you for the next meal, we can go for a walk around the marketplace after.” Raven turned back around at the offer.

“Let’s visit Hunter instead,” Raven said and Lexa gave her a short nod and a smile, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Raven’s cheek before leaving.

………………..

Raven had known from the moment Lexa had given her the horse that things wouldn’t be easy. Her leg made things difficult, she couldn’t rely on it and even with the brace, it was unstable. Which is why she had been very nervous for her first riding lesson. She hadn’t thought that she would even be able to get on the horse on her own, but of course, there was Lexa.

“Oh my fucking god!” Raven said as she watched Hunter lay down on Lexa’s command. The Commander looked back at her with an amused expression. “I didn’t know they could do that. I thought they just… stood up all the time.”

“Teaching a horse to lay down on command is rather difficult, it takes a lot of time, but I knew your horse would require special training. I know your leg makes things difficult for you and I didn’t want you to think about anything of the sort when you went riding. I want you to enjoy this, so don’t worry I made sure Hunter knows everything he needs to know to take care of you. I understand there were no animals on the Ark so do not worry about not knowing, I will tell you everything.”

Raven looked at the Commander with wonder. She had put so much effort into training Hunter, into making sure riding would be something Raven would enjoy. It made everything inside of Raven soften.

Once Raven was safely on Hunter’s back, she looked down at Lexa, who remained close, holding onto the reins to make sure Hunter wouldn’t move.

“Do you think I could ever mount without having to ask him to lay down for me?” Raven asked, though she didn’t have much faith in the idea, her leg would make it difficult.

“I believe that you could do it, but it would require you to build upper body strength,” Lexa said and Raven hummed quietly.

“Like I would push myself up with my arms and then just swing my good leg over?” Raven said and Lexa nodded.

“It is a possibility. Why don’t I take you for a small walk and start telling you about basic things and then we can talk more about this matter later?”

“Sure,” Raven said, feeling like she was going to end up on the ground as soon as the horse started moving.

………………………..

After almost a week and a half of riding lessons, Raven could say that she definitely enjoyed it. She wouldn’t call herself a natural by any means, but she was smart and she was good at listening to every single thing Lexa would say. She would take them all into account and that would make the learning process easier, which was why Lexa allowed her to mount Hunter on her own if she promised not to make him go any faster than a walk.

“How does your leg feel when you ride?” Lexa asked, looking at the Mechanic with some apprehension.

“It doesn’t feel worse than it usually does, it’s fine, really, and I like it,” she said with a big smile as she patted Hunter’s neck. His mane was beautifully braided and Raven was proud to say she had done it herself; it was one of the first things Lexa had taught her.

“I was thinking about sending one of my best riders and horse trainers with you, so you might continue learning while you are in Arkadia. There’s not much I could teach you in two weeks,” Lexa said and Raven knew she was right.

Riding was something she started with Lexa. Something they did together and there was nothing that she wanted more than finish her learning process with the Commander. But she knew that wouldn’t be possible, not with her living in Arkadia while Lexa needed to stay in Polis.

“Yes, that would be nice. I would like to be a pro at this by the time I see you next, maybe we could even race!” Raven said and Lexa looked back at her with a small smile on her face.

“I would love that. I don’t doubt you will be.”

……………………

There were only two days left until Lexa’s birthday so of course things had to go wrong.

“I need to leave, I am sorry,” Lexa told Raven as she entered her quarters in a hurry, waking up the omega in the process. “I have already arranged for your departure back to Arkadia. I don’t want you to be here with me gone.”

“What?” Raven asked, rubbing her eye with the back of her hand, and trying to chase away the sleepiness. “But your birthday is in two days!”

“I am sorry, I am needed elsewhere. I do not have much time, please. I cannot leave knowing I upset you,” Lexa said after seeing the frown on the omega’s face.

“It’s not your fault, I am just a little disappointed that’s all,” Raven said, patting the furs so Lexa would sit by her side.

“We can do something next time we see each other. Right now, I need you to pack your things, Lana will help you. I have already prepared the gona that will take you, they will be ready to go soon and so will the Rover. I have already spoken to the man that stayed here to take you back, he said he doesn’t need much time to have the vehicle ready-”

“Wait, wait, can’t I ride Hunter to Arkadia?” Raven asked and Lexa immediately shook her head.

“No. Your body can’t handle it, not right now. There is also the fact that you are still learning to ride. Traveling by horse is different than riding around a clearing or on mostly flat terrain,” Lexa explained. “You are not ready for that; you could get hurt.”

“But Hunter is coming with me, right? I don’t want to leave him here,” Raven said, deciding that she would not step foot out of Polis without her horse.

“Yes, he is going with you. I am also sending the trainer I told you of. He will continue with your riding lessons and he can help you take care of Hunter if you want to,” Lexa said and Raven shook her head at once.

“He is mine. I will take care of him, it is my responsibility. I will even practice braiding on his mane,” Raven said and Lexa gave her a small smile. The Commander opened her mouth to say something else when Lana suddenly interrupted.

“Heda, forgive me. I thought I would come and tell you that everything is ready for your departure before Titus did,” Lana said and Lexa gave her a small nod. She knew exactly what would happen if Titus came to speak to her.

“Raven, Lana will help you with anything you need. I will try to contact you soon. Be safe.”

“I should be the one telling you that,” Raven said as she threw her arms around Lexa’s shoulders, hugging her tightly. “You are still not allowed to get hurt or die, okay?”

Lexa smiled against Raven’s shoulder, her arms tightened around the Mechanic’s middle for one more moment before she pulled away.

“We will see each other soon,” Lexa said, placing a kiss to the omega’s forehead.

“I will be holding you to that,” Raven said, taking the time to close the buckles on the Commander’s coat before looking up at her again. “You are not allowed to get any more scars, either.”

“I will not let anything keep me from seeing you again,” Lexa said, her green eyes light and intense as they looked into Raven’s. A tender smile playing on the corner of her lips.

Raven’s heart raced, her stomach fluttered, her brain turned into mush.

“You can’t say things like that,” She said, and Lexa’s smile only got wider, knowing exactly what came next.

Raven curled her arms around the Commander’s neck, moving closer and letting her nose brush the Heda’s gently before allowing their lips to meet. The kiss started out slow, their lips barely moving as they allowed themselves to enjoy the warmth of each other’s mouths. Before long it deepened, Raven’s lips parting to allow the Commander’s tongue to gently brush against her own. The touch was fleeting, almost hesitant as the Commander kissed the omega with as much gentleness as she could muster.

Raven’s mind was spinning, the Commander’s scent was flooding her lungs, the touch of her hands on her back was making shivers shoot up and down her spine. And her taste, her taste was enough to send wave after wave of bliss rushing through her nerve endings.

They pulled away, breathless, their foreheads pressed together.

“I will be waiting for you,” Raven said finally and the Commander nodded.

“I have to go,” Lexa said, making it clear through the words she had chosen that she didn’t want to go, that it wasn’t really her decision.

“I know, I understand,” Raven said, her hand moving up to the back of the alpha’s neck, caressing it gently with her fingers. “Go, reach out through the radio as soon as you can.”

The Commander nodded and before she could pull away Raven brought her back into a fierce embrace.

Lexa held onto Raven as hard as she dared before turning away quickly, not knowing if she would be able to leave if she looked into her eyes one more time.

………………………………..

“Rae, hey,” Octavia said as she helped Raven get out of the Rover.

“Shit, O,” Raven said as she hugged her friend. “I am so sore from sitting for so long.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Octavia said with an amused smile. “You came a little early.”

“Yeah, Lexa had some things to take care of so she sent me back. I feel like she thinks Titus is going to kill me if he has the chance,” Raven said and Octavia instantly frowned. She was about to tell Raven how maybe it wasn’t a good idea for her to go to Polis when she took sight of the majestic horse that was tied to another, which in turn was being ridden by a grounder, his lack of armor gave away that he was not a warrior.

“Wow, did Heda send that horse?” Octavia asked, she assumed it must have been a gift for either Abby or Marcus, their leaders, a horse like that was not just given to anyone.

“Kind of, she gave it to me when we were at Polis.”

“Really?” Octavia said, eyes wide. “He is beautiful, Rae.”

“I know,” Raven said walking towards Hunter with a smile on her face. She ran her hand over the horse’s neck, Hunter instantly moved his head towards her, pleased with the contact. “Lexa said she had made sure there was a place for him in the stables.”

“Yeah, we have it all ready. If you want you can head in and rest for a bit, while I guide your horse to the stables,” Octavia offered. She stared at the horse like it was the most magnificent creature she had ever seen.

“That’d be nice, I am really exhausted, thank you. This is Roco, by the way, he is a trainer from Polis, Lexa sent him so he could help me take care of Hunter and teach me how to ride.”

“I am Octavia,” the omega said, offering the man her hand. He took it in the usual grounder fashion. “We have also prepared a room for you, there is space inside the camp, or you could also take one of the rooms built on the second floor of the stables.”

“I’d prefer to stay close with the horses if that’s allowed,” The man said, moving his gaze towards Raven as if waiting for her approval.

“Sure, that’s perfect. You keep Hunter safe, okay?” Raven said, offering the man a small smile.

“Of course, Raven of the Sky People,” He said, giving her a court bow. Raven frowned slightly.

“No need for that,” the omega said instantly and the man looked back at her with confusion.

“Heda was very clear, I shall treat you, in the same manner, I treat her. I will not disobey Heda,” he said and Raven’s frown only deepened.

“Then, you must follow my orders as you follow hers, or is that wrong?” Raven asked and the man nodded.

“You will not continue bowing to me then, I don’t like it. Am I clear?” Raven said and Roco was quick to nod.

Raven turned towards Octavia, knowing because of the look in her friend’s face that they would talk later.

“I will get going then, see you later, O,” Raven said and Octavia said her goodbyes before leaving.

………………………..

“Beautiful animal,” Abby said with a smile as she stood by watching as Raven trotted on her horse, the trainer was standing by, keeping watch.

“Kind of weird to see you outside, Abby,” Raven said as she slowed down into a walk and approached the doctor.

“I figured I would make the most out of the sunlight,” The Doctor said. The rain had been unrelenting and had kept most of the Sky people huddled inside their camp. Raven nodded in agreement, she had thought the same and decided to practice a little with Hunter. She knew she would have to give him a bit of a wash with how muddy the ground was.

“Same, I imagine this guy was also quite bored of the stables,” Raven said as she got off the horse with Roco’s help. She patted Hunter’s neck and offered him a treat with her free hand.

“A gift from the Commander, I assume,” Abby said with a small smile on her face.

“She could have kept it for herself, but decided to give it to me instead. She trained him herself,” Raven said with a proud smile as she continued to caress her horse’s neck.

“That’s very thoughtful of her,” Abby said, “I heard you were disappointed after missing her birthday.”

“Yeah, she had to go, there was nothing to do,” Raven said, sounding dejected as she looked away from Abby and back to her horse.

“I think you might hear from her sooner than you think,” Abby said and Raven’s head basically snapped to the side in her rush to look at her.

“What? Why?”

“The rain is causing some trouble, a village near here was flooded when the dam containing the river broke. The Commander was there, I believe. They were moving people to high ground when it happened. Soon some of the people will be brought here for medical attention and shelter, we are the closest. I am already getting the medbay ready and recruiting volunteers, they will be here soon enough,” the doctor explained and Raven nodded.

“I could help out,” Raven offered at once and Abby nodded as if she already had known that would be Raven’s answer.

“You could help me by keeping an eye on the Commander. She won’t let me treat her until all her people have been taken care of. If you made sure she doesn’t walk around with a fatal injury I will appreciate it,” Abby said. Raven chuckled slightly, that did sound like Lexa.

“As soon as she steps foot here, I will whisk her away and make sure she’s okay.”

“Good,” Abby said as she stared up at the darkening clouds like the rain itself offended her. “Let’s go back inside before we get drenched.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Hope to see you in the comments!!


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